assholes, and the women that put up with them

"there are things you don't do" what? like fuck your girlfriend who you supposedly finally chose without a doubt and then call your wife to say you want her back?!?!? you hate that i feel used and then you pull this shit. if i was ever anything more than a sex toy, why did you promise me that you were sure, wouldn't fuck with my heart - our hearts - again, and then do e x a c t l y that?
why can't you grow up and realize that not only does the world not revolve around you, but that other people have feelings too?
so you walked in to spy and saw me laying on Dessi. i'm not sure what you think was going on, but I LAY ON MY FRIENDS!!! i am comfortable with Dessi without needing to be fucking him, something that you and i obviously never managed. maybe if you had gotten to know me first as a friend instead of the mess that we flew head-on into, you would know how i act around people that i am friends with, but not screwing.
how is it that he gets to be pissed at me and Dessi when he is the one who not only cheated on me twice, and both times i forgave him, but when he is the one who keeps lieing? "don't lie to me, and don't try to hide anything from me. i know what's going on" this from the guy who cheated on me and had to have the information pulled from him because he wouldn't volunteer it, wouldn't be honest with me until confronted. so, how many other things did you lie to me about that i didn't know to ask?
why do i care about him so much when he obviously doesn't give a fuck about me? he treats me like an object, uses me for sex when he and his wife are having problems, and then gets pissed at me for trying to have a friend to talk to because i can't shake the feeling that he doesn't fucking care. and i'm a fucking idiot for letting it hurt me. something in me broke last night, when he yelled at me, when he pushed me and walked away. i lost something important in that, something i needed. i don't know what the fuck i am doing anymore, don't know where i am or what i mean to anybody.
it kills me to see that i have seriously fucked everything up for Dessi. i can't read him the way that i can most people, i can't see past his eyes. but i can tell a hurt look, one of worry and pain, even from someone as guarded as him. how do i manage to break up a six-year friendship? and how the fuck does Angel of all people manage to make me feel like so much shit for it? first Greg and Darian, then Jon and Joel, now Dessi and Adam. why do i keep letting myself hurt people? methinks things would be a fuck of a lot easier for everyone involved if i just left. but i miss my friends...

*how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else, how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself*

emo poetry

she's sitting here,
all alone in the dark
listening to the death throws
of her breaking heart.
one tear, two,
a torrent, a flood
drop to the ground
still glistening with blood.
he took her crushed heart,
his hands are stained with it,
she cried herself dry
if she can't fix it, she'll drain it
she lost it all,
cut her wrists on her dreams
as her hopes crumble down
she tilts her head back and screams.

riddle me this...

how do you make love stay?
how do you keep the ones you love? how can i possibly captivate the man of my dreams if he is happy with his wife, no matter that she fucked him over like a pedophile in a preschool? if he is truly happy with her, do i even have the right to try? but if he said that he was happier with me, where do my duties lie? and what about what i want?

how do you make sadness leave?
how do i stop the hurt? how do i get the images of her in his arms and the two of them fucking out of my head? how do i screw on the fake smile if it is broken and i have nothing left? how can i stop picturing the two of them happy with no place for me? how do i find a place for me if she has his heart so tightly clenched? how do you stay friends with someone who has hurt you so much but doesn't know it?

have you ever seen a llama kiss a llama on the llama?

so too much new shit, lots to think about.
probably listening to too much alkaline trio (step one: slit my throat, step two: play in my blood)
so when he talks about making it work with the wife again, i start to get really worried. for a few reasons. there is the logical part of me that says that he should be with his wife, they're married for fuck's sake! but she cheated in him, left him, doesn't love him. and i want to be with him. nothing matters so much when i am with him, he makes me beautiful and happy and safe. i really don't want to give that up. but if he does love her, can i do this in good conscience? circular thinking, getting me nowhere but a headache.
he wants to try it, for his conscience, for her sake, for whatever reason. but who would make him happier? he doesn't know. i wish i did, because then i could make his decision for him. but he doesn't want to try it because he doesn't think it'll work. so now what?
where do we go from here, indeed.
and there's the fact that i'm moving in with him in about 5 weeks. oh boy, that'd be interesting if she was there too. ha. ha.
i don't know what to do about this, how to make his decision easier or make him happier or just fix the whole damn scenario. and that's unusual for me and it's really frustrating.
grrr...

*he whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for sex*

in agreement with angel

i really have to agree with angel on the general distaste of many groups

the morbidly depressed
the desperate automatons
the dependent enablers
the functioning addicts
the frustrated priveledged
the whorish clingers
the unfaithful lovers
the ucnaring gods
the feverish worshipers

those in bad faith.

what does that leave?
a select few whom i hold very dear

*if you're going through hell, keep going.*

new shit

i do so love
lounging on your shedding couch
eyes closed, your hands
rinning through my hair
smoothing the strands straight,
twisting them into cords
and twining them
in and out
through your fingers.
I relish the moments
of smiling eye contact,
I want you
I love you
I'm having fun
and bubbling laughter,
grinning for no reason,
my head on your chest,
eyes locked, hands clasped
a comfortable embrace.

How do you love me?
with my eyes
my hands
my heart.
Why do you love me?
your kindness
your smile
your mouth on mine
When do you love me?
the hours spent
laughing, talking
do we need the words?
Do you love me?
of course.

doing much better

day of lots of fun and happiness and kissing and straight up fucking. what a way to spend a sunday! very happy.
scale of 1 to 10 - right now i'm at 8 or so
good movies, good food, and spending time with my wonderful guy. hemp and cigarettes, i love today.

*smiling* still glad no one reads this, but it's a great place in my head right now.

nights like these just kill me

i hate this, i want to sleep but i can't. too much caffeine, crying too hard. i can't get the whispering voices in the back of my head to shut the hell up. want so badly for this to be genuine. he is using you. i don't want to repeat the past, but i'm terrified every day that it will turn out the same. all you do is hurt people. he doesn't care about you. why would he? SHUT UP!
i don't know right now, too tired to think straight, i can't shut them out and try to just live my life. you pissed him off. it's just a matter of time now. how could you ever compare to a marriage? does he really love me? i hate these insecurities so much! i want validation, i need to hear that i'm not just there, rebound, anything. but i can't ask for it, i wouldn't know how.
talk to you tomorrow? he is pissed off. i don't know how to handle anything right now, but i can't show it. just bottle it up, make it go away. "whatever". ouch.
i know that nothing he says is intended to hurt. i know that i am far too sensitive. i think and hope that he really does care about me as much as i care about him, and that this will all work out for the best. i just can't stop being so damn tired, emotional. it's not his fault, not anyone's fault. i can't tell him, or anyone that things hurt, because i wouldn't know where to begin and none of this joking should bother me. i don't know why it does. i hate being sensitive.
i don't want to see my dad. i just want to be with adam, knowing that for at least that moment everything is okay. fuck.
i need to stop hurting. other people. myself inside my head. i hope no one reads this.
i want to be okay, want to not worry about things that i can't control, things that i shouldn't worry about. i need sleep. maybe that would help. i miss adam already, and we hung up maybe 20 minutes ago. i can't tell if i'm pathetic or just really immersed in emotion.
fuck this, going to sleep.

new life, new stuff, new outlook

very very happy. frightfest was a blast, so many wonderful people and so much fun!!!
new guy, also very happy. he is 22 and happens to have a wife, but still i can't help but feel that this is the happiest i have been in far too long.
so i leave those of you still paying attention with this:
if you want to talk to me, pick my brain, anything, i am still here.
i am here for those that need me and even those that want me.
you should know the fucking number.

please take care of each other, i know that all too few of you take care of yourselves, and we all need someone to hold us, validate us, hug us and make us feel worthwhile.

i love you, all of you.
- me. just me, still me, new me and old me.

*you're wonderful, you know that?
and strong and sweet and kind.
i love the warmth when your arms
wrap around me from behind*

confused...rat bastards!

jesus bloody mother-fucking christ tapdancing through a cornfield!
travis and i have broken up. which is rather confusing because we are still fucking like rabbits and he still tells me that he loves me. it's kinda like best of friends/fuck buddies/god i wish i were still dating him. the biggest change is that i am no longer special to him. he says i still belong in his arms, but now i know i'm not the only one. it's not just my spot. and of course i have considerably less justification in getting pissed at all the backstabbing bitches that tell me they are here to support me and then do everything they can to get in his pants. fuckers.
so i'm confused, because i want this to be okay, but i'm afraid it won't be. it's wierd, he is still here and still close, but he's not mine anymore and that hurts so damn much.
and of course the irish catholic in me is beating the hell out of myself wanting to know what i did wrong, and i really don't know.
so there goes a lot of the self esteem that i had worked up since...everyone. jon. arron. tom. all of them.

i do believe my heart is broken.
so why is it still squirming and why won't it just stop thrashing aroud pitifully?
JUST DIE DAMN YOU!!! STOP RELAYING THE HURT!
ouch

rat bastards

anger, pain, fear

so much of it all, and i think i am starting to be consumed. she had it all coming, one does not fuck so blatantly with other people's s os. especially not mine because i feel that that should be sacred. and then this new betreyal, from someone closer, who should have known better. it hurts, it worries me, and it makes me so angry that she accuses me of disgrace and asks for loyalty of family when she does what she does, even after being asked not to. i'm not sure why this makes me so angry, maybe part of it is fear. i am so afraid to lose him, i think it would kill me. and i know that the majority of the population is attracted to her, my father even was.
perhaps not the best example, but certainly one of the most disturbing.
so this hurts. it hurts me that she would be so hypocritical, it hurts that too many of my nearest and dearest don't like this situation, it hurts that it affects me so much, and that i seem to have really regained the anger problem that i thought i had figured out.
i know that it will work out or it won't, but it still hurts. and it scares me. and it makes me really damn angry.
me, little bitty scared, big bad-ass me

love

so many different kinds of love, so much happiness that is possible from the people that are so close to me. i used to see this as just and opportunity for pain, and i was afraid, but now i see that love helps me, heals me. i love all of you so much for you make my world bright and you keep the voices silent. thank you.

did you know that when you vry, it hurts me most? but did you know that more than sad, it makes my feel honored that you would choose to share your tears with me?
did you know that when you smile, for that moment, everything bad in the world disappears? and did you know that there is nothing i like more than your laugh?

i love you all, and thank you for being you and being there. you are all my heart.

okay

doin' okay. i swear. i'm always okay.
i just have to learn to believe me.

voices

i can still hear them.
you are stupid
go kill yourself
you will never be worth anything
you will always hurt people, you should just isolate yourself
you aren't good enough for them to worry
you are ugly, huge, and no one will ever love you
no one could ever love you, who would stoop that low
if your father couldn't, who the hell would.

i hate these fucking voices!!!

...things.

i have to agree with nny, i can feel the things pressing at my mind sometimes, trying to get in. they have voices...my father, my family, my brother, aaron, jon. a lot of hurt in those voices. screaming at me everything that cuts me. i'm doing okay, i swear. it just feels sometimes as though the walls are straining and i worry that these things will break in and have full run of my mind. i think that would kill me. not that anyone notices. i am fine at school, always. i am the support network and what would we do if the support network failed? so i am okay. i know that i'm typing to a lifeless screen because i know that no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing, now i can say what i feel without worrying anyone.
fuck.

well.

well it would appear that i have some time today, so post i shall.
worried. always worried. but i think that my friends will be okay, it seems they always are.
scarred. scarred of my dad and for my loved ones. angel be careful, i don't think you understand how much you mean to me. i love you. afraid for amanda and that she will carry out her threats. if i were in her position, i don't know how strong i would be able to be.
empty at times, but working on feeling better. my friends help.
i love you guys. i probably won't update unless i have a batch of free time, so if you want to talk (if you exist outside of my little screen) feel free to call. i get so lonely sometimes, i think that maybe it's all just the voices in my head talking to me from behind my eyes.
- hannah

it's been a while, and it still shall be

i am aware that i have not updated in a really fucking long time, or commented or been active on the computer at all. for that i am sorry. things are very well with tweak and about normal with the rest of the people who comprise my day-to-day life.
i have found during the past (insert amount of time since last computer activity), that i prefer to keep my conversations direct and my journals with me to continually review and add to. so i am sorry if this was a convenient way for you to look into my head that you no longer have, but feel free to call me if you want to talk and ask me any questions if you liked the view. so i love you all, and the number to reach me you should damn well fucking know!
good luck in all endeavors, and i hope to talk to you soon.
- hannah
*i feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings*

funny story, that...

well, i guess my fears were rather unfounded. or not, but not quite what i had anticipated. so dating tweak, i guess we'll see how that goes. he reminds me so much of tom, but then jon reminded me of aaron and he never hit me, so maybe my instincts just suck. but i am doing much better. i am happy. (except for the-rapy) apparently i'm not allowed to just be fucking happy around my father, i am always doing something wrong or around the wrong people. like it would be any better with his friends. *cough, andrew!, cough*
but no matter, i don't have to see him until next week. and i am happy because i have angel. my wonderful angel who makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me so happy that it's all okay now. (i'm not on drugs, i swear! i'm just hyper. hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper) yay!!
but life really is getting to be okay, and for the parts of it that aren't, FUCK THEM!!!
i am going to fucking be happy.

worries

well, jon won't talk. so i guess there's nothing i can do to help any of us.

life is getting interesting, and i don't know who's gonna get hurt next.
i don't know what scares me more, that he cares about her so much, the thought of what he will do when he finds out, or that she is so excited about something that i have so many fears about, and she is throwing herself into it so quickly, so happily.

just kinda worried.

grr

wow

wow. hurt. scared. worried. but most of all hurt.
hiding. i'll be going into myself for a while, just a heads-up.
i will talk to you all later. right now i think i may have to do a full-system shut-down.

-

desperate

okay, hopefully this will be the last post regarding my emo worries about the relationship that ended one of the best friendships that i have ever had. angel has been put as the middle in this war between jon and me, and it is so unfair. i care about angel more that i can ever put down in print, and i didn’t want it to be this way, i didn’t want her to go through this with both of us and deal with all of each of our pain. i know that jon cares about her and that he would never do this to her on purpose. this just happened and no one likes it. angel wants us to sit down and talk. i want to sit down with jon, even if it’s for him to say whatever he wants to say. or to get back something of that friendship that i miss so much. but at least to call some kind of a truce. so angel, the answer to your request, in case you missed the comment posted previously, is that i would like to if it would help end all of this shit. please.

scared

i am scared, for the first time in a long time. i am scared that i did something horrible that i don't know about or don't remember and that jon will bring it up to talk about. i am scared that he has a reason to hate me like he seems to. i am scared that he has changed so much from the person that i knew that he doesn't have a reason for being this mad. because i don't want to think about what that would mean. i am scared about being wrong and even more scared about being right.

how do you stab the devil in the back? what if you miss?

getting better. i know that i was stupid, but i'm getting better. i hurt myself, i let other people hurt me, but i am getting b e t t e r. and i will be okay. angel helps, kostya helps, cheryl helps, erin helps. chris helps just a little bit, and knowing that i have people who care does help so much. thank you all. i love you.
i am keeping busy, i find that that helps too. i worry about the things i could have done, should have done, what i could do to make everything better. for jon. for my dad. for my mother. for all of my friends. but even the guilt passes after a while and succumbs to the voice of logic.
i think i might be addicted to cigs. i hope not, and i'm going this week without one to see how it works. we'll see...

i love you all, with all of my heart,
i dream for you, with all of my soul,
i hope for you with all of my dreams,
i pray for you with all that i am.

me, and that's okay. i swear...

truth and stupidity

truth is an elusive thing, it morphs and dances away from groping fingers, but there are statements that i know to be true.
- i have a propensity for doing stupid things
- i still wish jon was my friend, he was one of the best friends i ever had
- i would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

on wednesday, i tried to figure out what i had done to make jon so furious. so i wrote down everything that i remember from when things started to change until roughly now. there are probably things that i have forgotten, but what i did remember upset me quite enough to have an effect. wandering thoughts lead to bad memories, and bad memories to stupid actions. but the thing that i did realize is that unless there is something huge that i missed, i didn't do anything wrong to him. i never cheated, and i did nothing intending to hurt him. so i don't know what to do, because i don't know what i'm supposed to fix.
admittedly, i was really freakin' stupid, and i have been doing some stupid stuff for a while, but i am stopping that, and it was my own deal, not jon's.

so that's all i've got, where do we go from here?

me.

meh-ness

i don't know, it's all such a big...meh.
some people are angry. some people are sad. some don't know what the hell they are. but i'm okay, i swear. things with family are ugly, but that's nothing new. *how can you take back something like that?* it might get better, and that's what i'm hoping for.
things with friends are better just because i'm realizing who are the friends. it's refreshing. and i'm still really looking forward to frightfest!
i can't wait for monday, angel and i are getting together and we're watching the usual suspects. it's gonna be a movie weekend with cheryl tomorrow and angel on monday, sweetness!
going out to bumpers tonight, same as last night and tomorrow night. fun moshing and grinding.
so despite current events and issues, i think that it all might just work out.
(and of course there is chris, who always helps. ^_^)
so good luck, and don't worry about me, i'll make my own "okay".

still me

butter

i much appreciate all of the support, and butter is damn good too. i'm happy because i think that ana and i will be friends again, we talked at lunch. i missed her, but i know that me and amanda not being cool hurts her. meh, it'll work or it won't.
excited for thurs/fri/saturday, i get to go to bumpers and dress up and mosh and have fun. angel, call me if you want a ride any day!!! (i may need help remembering where you live, but i will find it!)
things seem better, the distractions helped and now i'm focused enough to try and face at least some of this crazy shtuff. jon is sitting with us again, so maybe that will work out. and stevie and i talked and he's being really cool about the whole me being a bit of a slut thing. i needed it and it worked well.
i miss all of my friends, and i'm going to go back to participating in the world.

*you don't know me, so don't judge me* <- Niko let me listen this morning. (still singing it)

me, nothing more but at least no less.

friend sex...

so now it would seem that i live looking for the distractions. and i love friend sex soo much!. i still can't find chris (for his sake he'd better be dead...) but the shows are awesome anyway. i got into something like a bight-fight but it had scratching too, you should see the marks on my back and how sore my neck is! i'm really glad that i'll be working frightfest, the people there are a lot better, i don't have to be someone i don't want to be, just me. and it seems that i can be whoever i need to be, which would be a first. i can't wait.
i wish everyone weren't so upset, be it sad or angry or betrayed or just damn lonely. and i know that a lot of it is because of me. but the thing that i'm starting to realise is that i probably can't fix it and i don't think i could have done anything different to make it not happen, it would have anyway. i guess life's funny like that.

*she says don't worry, you'll be fine, it's only a matter of time*

friends...people...

i'm losing people. it's not necessarily a bad thing, because with a few exceptions these people were worse for me as friends. more specifically, i'm losing anna and amanda. amanda drained me so much. after telling her this morning that i don't really trust her and knowing that i don't consider her a friend, i felt soooooo much better. i was hyper and happy all day. and i miss being hyper and happy, i haven't felt it in such a long time. i will miss anna, but perhaps we are better off without each other, we each hurt the other so much without wanting to. i miss jon, and i hope that i can be friends with him again someday soon. he was a valuable friend and a good person. i miss talking to him. and i'm sad that i have made him, and consequently almost everyone else, miserable. but i am happy to be shedding the excess and heavy baggage. i am happy that i don't have to worry about whether or not jon loves me, i am spending more time with angel and she brightens my world, and i have energy and emotional stability left for me! this is quite a change, and one for the better.

bumpers love

i went to bumpers on saturday and i met a goy. his name is chris and he's an ex-marine. it's crazy how well we've gotten to know each other in a very short time. but for now i am tired of worrying if someone will break my heart. we relate to each other the same way, and that helps a lot, and if he screws me over, so be it. i'm just going to be happy for right now. so things are looking up, because he has a better imagination than me and we do some pretty interesting stuff together.

grrr

most excruciatingly angry and frustrated and most of all hurt. the thing was originally something i said when amanda asked me if i was going to go out with steve. i was hyper and replied "yeah, i'll probably go out with stevie for a month or so, then maybe fuck jason, and then go out with jon again." i didn't mean it and i wouldn't do something like that.
i talked to jon a tried to explain it, but i was amazed to find that anna and amanda told him that i had said that seriously. i don't know what they are doing, but i'm surprised and very hurt by it. i thought that they were my friends, and doing this hurt jon as well as me. (very not cool)
it would seem that everyone now thinks that i'm a slut. but i wouldn't do that, i have the only key to my pants and it's not for rent.
so now i don't want to talk to them, for fear of having another joke turned into something to hurt everyone. but on the bright side jon and i talked and it would seem that things are gonna get better.
grrr...freakin' people!

*post not meant to lash out at you, i'm just really grr about this whole thing.

what a fuckin' day

i'm not really planning on keeping this up, i mostly made it to be able to communicate with a close friend who is smart enough to stay the hell away from xanga. but it's just been a shitty day. i'm so tired, i feel almost dead. i wonder if beind dead would b easier. i wouldn't have to deal with:
- jon maybe hating me maybe not caring
- my father thinking i'm a slut/liar/pain in the ass/ his drinking buddy/i want to hear about his love life
- stevie caring about me and me not knowing what the hell to do
- writing my fucking junior research paper
- what college i'm going to
- the problems of all of my friends that really don't have problems

- losing my mind

i kinda wish i were dead. would i be as tired? would it hurt as much?

me
*a song for the broken hearted, a silent prayer for faith departed*