i hate this, i want to sleep but i can't. too much caffeine, crying too hard. i can't get the whispering voices in the back of my head to shut the hell up. want so badly for this to be genuine. he is using you. i don't want to repeat the past, but i'm terrified every day that it will turn out the same. all you do is hurt people. he doesn't care about you. why would he? SHUT UP!
i don't know right now, too tired to think straight, i can't shut them out and try to just live my life. you pissed him off. it's just a matter of time now. how could you ever compare to a marriage? does he really love me? i hate these insecurities so much! i want validation, i need to hear that i'm not just there, rebound, anything. but i can't ask for it, i wouldn't know how.
talk to you tomorrow? he is pissed off. i don't know how to handle anything right now, but i can't show it. just bottle it up, make it go away. "whatever". ouch.
i know that nothing he says is intended to hurt. i know that i am far too sensitive. i think and hope that he really does care about me as much as i care about him, and that this will all work out for the best. i just can't stop being so damn tired, emotional. it's not his fault, not anyone's fault. i can't tell him, or anyone that things hurt, because i wouldn't know where to begin and none of this joking should bother me. i don't know why it does. i hate being sensitive.
i don't want to see my dad. i just want to be with adam, knowing that for at least that moment everything is okay. fuck.
i need to stop hurting. other people. myself inside my head. i hope no one reads this.
i want to be okay, want to not worry about things that i can't control, things that i shouldn't worry about. i need sleep. maybe that would help. i miss adam already, and we hung up maybe 20 minutes ago. i can't tell if i'm pathetic or just really immersed in emotion.
fuck this, going to sleep.
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