funny story, that...

well, i guess my fears were rather unfounded. or not, but not quite what i had anticipated. so dating tweak, i guess we'll see how that goes. he reminds me so much of tom, but then jon reminded me of aaron and he never hit me, so maybe my instincts just suck. but i am doing much better. i am happy. (except for the-rapy) apparently i'm not allowed to just be fucking happy around my father, i am always doing something wrong or around the wrong people. like it would be any better with his friends. *cough, andrew!, cough*
but no matter, i don't have to see him until next week. and i am happy because i have angel. my wonderful angel who makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me so happy that it's all okay now. (i'm not on drugs, i swear! i'm just hyper. hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper) yay!!
but life really is getting to be okay, and for the parts of it that aren't, FUCK THEM!!!
i am going to fucking be happy.

worries

well, jon won't talk. so i guess there's nothing i can do to help any of us.

life is getting interesting, and i don't know who's gonna get hurt next.
i don't know what scares me more, that he cares about her so much, the thought of what he will do when he finds out, or that she is so excited about something that i have so many fears about, and she is throwing herself into it so quickly, so happily.

just kinda worried.

grr

wow

wow. hurt. scared. worried. but most of all hurt.
hiding. i'll be going into myself for a while, just a heads-up.
i will talk to you all later. right now i think i may have to do a full-system shut-down.

-

desperate

okay, hopefully this will be the last post regarding my emo worries about the relationship that ended one of the best friendships that i have ever had. angel has been put as the middle in this war between jon and me, and it is so unfair. i care about angel more that i can ever put down in print, and i didn’t want it to be this way, i didn’t want her to go through this with both of us and deal with all of each of our pain. i know that jon cares about her and that he would never do this to her on purpose. this just happened and no one likes it. angel wants us to sit down and talk. i want to sit down with jon, even if it’s for him to say whatever he wants to say. or to get back something of that friendship that i miss so much. but at least to call some kind of a truce. so angel, the answer to your request, in case you missed the comment posted previously, is that i would like to if it would help end all of this shit. please.

scared

i am scared, for the first time in a long time. i am scared that i did something horrible that i don't know about or don't remember and that jon will bring it up to talk about. i am scared that he has a reason to hate me like he seems to. i am scared that he has changed so much from the person that i knew that he doesn't have a reason for being this mad. because i don't want to think about what that would mean. i am scared about being wrong and even more scared about being right.

how do you stab the devil in the back? what if you miss?

getting better. i know that i was stupid, but i'm getting better. i hurt myself, i let other people hurt me, but i am getting b e t t e r. and i will be okay. angel helps, kostya helps, cheryl helps, erin helps. chris helps just a little bit, and knowing that i have people who care does help so much. thank you all. i love you.
i am keeping busy, i find that that helps too. i worry about the things i could have done, should have done, what i could do to make everything better. for jon. for my dad. for my mother. for all of my friends. but even the guilt passes after a while and succumbs to the voice of logic.
i think i might be addicted to cigs. i hope not, and i'm going this week without one to see how it works. we'll see...

i love you all, with all of my heart,
i dream for you, with all of my soul,
i hope for you with all of my dreams,
i pray for you with all that i am.

me, and that's okay. i swear...

truth and stupidity

truth is an elusive thing, it morphs and dances away from groping fingers, but there are statements that i know to be true.
- i have a propensity for doing stupid things
- i still wish jon was my friend, he was one of the best friends i ever had
- i would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

on wednesday, i tried to figure out what i had done to make jon so furious. so i wrote down everything that i remember from when things started to change until roughly now. there are probably things that i have forgotten, but what i did remember upset me quite enough to have an effect. wandering thoughts lead to bad memories, and bad memories to stupid actions. but the thing that i did realize is that unless there is something huge that i missed, i didn't do anything wrong to him. i never cheated, and i did nothing intending to hurt him. so i don't know what to do, because i don't know what i'm supposed to fix.
admittedly, i was really freakin' stupid, and i have been doing some stupid stuff for a while, but i am stopping that, and it was my own deal, not jon's.

so that's all i've got, where do we go from here?

me.

meh-ness

i don't know, it's all such a big...meh.
some people are angry. some people are sad. some don't know what the hell they are. but i'm okay, i swear. things with family are ugly, but that's nothing new. *how can you take back something like that?* it might get better, and that's what i'm hoping for.
things with friends are better just because i'm realizing who are the friends. it's refreshing. and i'm still really looking forward to frightfest!
i can't wait for monday, angel and i are getting together and we're watching the usual suspects. it's gonna be a movie weekend with cheryl tomorrow and angel on monday, sweetness!
going out to bumpers tonight, same as last night and tomorrow night. fun moshing and grinding.
so despite current events and issues, i think that it all might just work out.
(and of course there is chris, who always helps. ^_^)
so good luck, and don't worry about me, i'll make my own "okay".

still me

butter

i much appreciate all of the support, and butter is damn good too. i'm happy because i think that ana and i will be friends again, we talked at lunch. i missed her, but i know that me and amanda not being cool hurts her. meh, it'll work or it won't.
excited for thurs/fri/saturday, i get to go to bumpers and dress up and mosh and have fun. angel, call me if you want a ride any day!!! (i may need help remembering where you live, but i will find it!)
things seem better, the distractions helped and now i'm focused enough to try and face at least some of this crazy shtuff. jon is sitting with us again, so maybe that will work out. and stevie and i talked and he's being really cool about the whole me being a bit of a slut thing. i needed it and it worked well.
i miss all of my friends, and i'm going to go back to participating in the world.

*you don't know me, so don't judge me* <- Niko let me listen this morning. (still singing it)

me, nothing more but at least no less.