i have found that april being "sexual assault awareness month" is a constant source of aggravation for me, as i am very well aware that i was sexually assaulted and i do not wish to be reminded of it every time i see a poster or flyer or table tent in the food centers.
today is the one year anniversary of a terrible event in my life, and i'm really sick of seeing the lines
"if you have been the victim of a sexual assault, call our hotline" - i don't want to call a damn hotline
"talk to a professional" - gee, tell my story to a stranger, how the hell does one start that conversation?
"let us help you heal" - maybe i'm okay with being damaged, maybe i'm afraid that if i start to talk, i'll have to deal with it and i can't do that. maybe i'm afraid to try to breach the walls that hold all of this pain and self-loathing in, because they keep me strong and keep me going.
i think i may have an illness of the soul, i have been unable to get warm for the past few days. even curled up on the couch, covered in blankets, with a friend who is a verifiable space heater, skin sweating, i feel cold.
i'm so sick of this affecting my life, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to open these old wounds and try to heal them better, i don't want to think about the things that were done to me. i just want to forget that it happened and hope that i can find the pieces of myself that i lost in carol stream. if i can deal for a year, i'd like to think i can be okay.
why does that sound so hollow, even to me?
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7 comments:
First off I want to say I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with something that is so deeply affecting you. I don't think there is a "cookie cutter" fix for you. What might work for one person may not for another. Perhaps you have seen that ignoring this and trying to forget it isn't doing the trick, isn't healing you from what you have had to endure. Even though you do not want to talk about it, live it again and all that it may be the only way you will truly get over it. I have found, with things that I have been through, to ignore them means they will resurface at a later time, most likely an inappropriate time. I wish I had an answer to make it all better for you. Do you think it would truly hurt you though, to talk to someone? I can assure you that I know all too well about trying to ignore things to get over them. For me it usually isn't the trick, spilling my guts has been far more healing for me. And, even though I can't begin to understand how you feel about things, if you do need to talk feel free to email me. I am a great listener. farmgirl19@gmail.com. (((HUG)))
Hannah, talking is the best thing, it's sometimes easier with a perfect stranger. You can let it all out without being begged for more info when you decide to end the convo. You're doing it now right here.
CP is right. (((hugs))) for you both.
thank you both very much
Venting on your blog is a good start. My husband and daughter are great at holding everything in, where it festers into a major problem.
Not me! I get it all out by having a HUGE hissy fit! I may not be mentally balanced, but I'll never get an ulcer. ;)
I'm here to listen, not condemn, Hannah. (((hugs)))
mom - great solution! i'm a little worried, because i think the coldness is a sign of a fever, and i'd feel pretty stupid if i stressed myself sick.
I prefer Scurvy Prevention Week myself.
I know of few people who have been able to just blow it off and be done with it. But I agree with you about all the advertising about it. I think there is an entire industry seeking to capitalize on it, and sometimes they seem to encourage more of it, along with poking the wound and increasing the pain.
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