friend sex...

so now it would seem that i live looking for the distractions. and i love friend sex soo much!. i still can't find chris (for his sake he'd better be dead...) but the shows are awesome anyway. i got into something like a bight-fight but it had scratching too, you should see the marks on my back and how sore my neck is! i'm really glad that i'll be working frightfest, the people there are a lot better, i don't have to be someone i don't want to be, just me. and it seems that i can be whoever i need to be, which would be a first. i can't wait.
i wish everyone weren't so upset, be it sad or angry or betrayed or just damn lonely. and i know that a lot of it is because of me. but the thing that i'm starting to realise is that i probably can't fix it and i don't think i could have done anything different to make it not happen, it would have anyway. i guess life's funny like that.

*she says don't worry, you'll be fine, it's only a matter of time*

friends...people...

i'm losing people. it's not necessarily a bad thing, because with a few exceptions these people were worse for me as friends. more specifically, i'm losing anna and amanda. amanda drained me so much. after telling her this morning that i don't really trust her and knowing that i don't consider her a friend, i felt soooooo much better. i was hyper and happy all day. and i miss being hyper and happy, i haven't felt it in such a long time. i will miss anna, but perhaps we are better off without each other, we each hurt the other so much without wanting to. i miss jon, and i hope that i can be friends with him again someday soon. he was a valuable friend and a good person. i miss talking to him. and i'm sad that i have made him, and consequently almost everyone else, miserable. but i am happy to be shedding the excess and heavy baggage. i am happy that i don't have to worry about whether or not jon loves me, i am spending more time with angel and she brightens my world, and i have energy and emotional stability left for me! this is quite a change, and one for the better.

bumpers love

i went to bumpers on saturday and i met a goy. his name is chris and he's an ex-marine. it's crazy how well we've gotten to know each other in a very short time. but for now i am tired of worrying if someone will break my heart. we relate to each other the same way, and that helps a lot, and if he screws me over, so be it. i'm just going to be happy for right now. so things are looking up, because he has a better imagination than me and we do some pretty interesting stuff together.

grrr

most excruciatingly angry and frustrated and most of all hurt. the thing was originally something i said when amanda asked me if i was going to go out with steve. i was hyper and replied "yeah, i'll probably go out with stevie for a month or so, then maybe fuck jason, and then go out with jon again." i didn't mean it and i wouldn't do something like that.
i talked to jon a tried to explain it, but i was amazed to find that anna and amanda told him that i had said that seriously. i don't know what they are doing, but i'm surprised and very hurt by it. i thought that they were my friends, and doing this hurt jon as well as me. (very not cool)
it would seem that everyone now thinks that i'm a slut. but i wouldn't do that, i have the only key to my pants and it's not for rent.
so now i don't want to talk to them, for fear of having another joke turned into something to hurt everyone. but on the bright side jon and i talked and it would seem that things are gonna get better.
grrr...freakin' people!

*post not meant to lash out at you, i'm just really grr about this whole thing.

what a fuckin' day

i'm not really planning on keeping this up, i mostly made it to be able to communicate with a close friend who is smart enough to stay the hell away from xanga. but it's just been a shitty day. i'm so tired, i feel almost dead. i wonder if beind dead would b easier. i wouldn't have to deal with:
- jon maybe hating me maybe not caring
- my father thinking i'm a slut/liar/pain in the ass/ his drinking buddy/i want to hear about his love life
- stevie caring about me and me not knowing what the hell to do
- writing my fucking junior research paper
- what college i'm going to
- the problems of all of my friends that really don't have problems

- losing my mind

i kinda wish i were dead. would i be as tired? would it hurt as much?

me
*a song for the broken hearted, a silent prayer for faith departed*