we have been talking of engagement, and marriage, though a long way off. but now i'm not so sure. i love him, i adore him and i know that he's crazy about me. but looking back on all of the pain that i have cause others and that others have caused me, this seems wrong.
aaron hurt me physically and emotionally. i did nothing to stop it.
ilana was devastated to the point of eating disorder after we broke up. did i do this to her?
cheryl was a bit messed up to begin with, but not a bad person, and i hurt her so many times in so many ways without trying to.
jon was such a good guy before we dated. he had a sense of humor and laughed a lot. he was happy. then we broke up. i'm not sure if it's that he fell so in love with me that our break up did this to him, or if it was something else i did, but either way he had become so closed and damaged that he has now resorted to alcohol. is this my fault?
chalk the "self-mutilation-on-my-account" tally up to three
travis was simply an ass. but he taught me that i can't trust people. he showed me that there's a lie behind every promise and malice in every caress. he made me careful but jaded. tally goes up to four, the emo twat.
tim/tiff could have been cruel to me, angry for my actions, but they forgave me. so i guess there is good in people.
adam was something else. i truly did love him, but in the end that really didn't matter. he also taught me to harden my heart. but at least i didn't hurt him that bad.
dessi showed me even more about lies.
and now adam. the sweet, wonderful guy who has seen above the lies and bullshit and drama into what's really important in life, the one who drove 5 1/2 hours yesterday through a blizzard to see me because he loves me. but what if i can't do this? he says he would rather care for me and lose me than not have me at all, but can i really sacrifice him for my happiness? what if i hurt him and turn him into a bad or permanently traumatized person too? what if i'm not capable of love the way they all mean? what if i really am the monster i think i might be?
me. always me.
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1 comment:
Your no monster , but you are very human , and just learning that your have a problems with relationships and those problems might not be the other persons you've been involved with . I think I was like 35 before I thought about changing my lifestyle and the way I treated others .
Your way ahead of my schedule !
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