story time, kiddies

for those of you still present and awake, don't feel the need to respond to this. i'm really just venting because sometimes life hurts.

he asked me to come to his house, something i had never thought about before, and even though it was an hour away, i said yes. i only got lost once, and make it there with plenty of time to hang out. i was expecting movie, maybe a walk, catching up on what has happened since october. he was expecting more. that didn't really bother me, especially since most nights up at ihop have been spent discussing bondage, s&m, or just old fashioned tieing up. i was curious, and i trusted him so i figured he would be perfect to show me the ropes.
we talked about what wasn't okay, and everything i mentioned he stayed away from, but apparently there was a whole new world of not-okay that i didn't know about before that. he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me around, made me give him head and shoved it so far down my throat that my diaphragm still hurts from gagging almost a week later. slapped and smacked me, then choked me, threw me around and just generally fucked me so hard with everything but his dick (he doesn't believe in having sex, he has a girlfriend) that i was almost crying from pain most of the way home.
i'm still not sure how i made it home, i don't remember anything but calling my best friend and freaking out a bit.
i could have said stop, no, that hurts, anything. but i didn't. i moaned and gave him every impression that i was enjoying myself because that's what i do. and because i wanted to play the game that way that it is supposed to be played and then analyze later.

analysis:
- my head hurt
- my throat and stomach still hurt
- my pride is in pieces, along with my self-respect
- the bruises are starting to heal, so that's good
- i still feel as though, despite all evidence to the contrary, i have been raped (i just don't really blame him for it)

never doing that again.