emo poetry

she's sitting here,
all alone in the dark
listening to the death throws
of her breaking heart.
one tear, two,
a torrent, a flood
drop to the ground
still glistening with blood.
he took her crushed heart,
his hands are stained with it,
she cried herself dry
if she can't fix it, she'll drain it
she lost it all,
cut her wrists on her dreams
as her hopes crumble down
she tilts her head back and screams.

riddle me this...

how do you make love stay?
how do you keep the ones you love? how can i possibly captivate the man of my dreams if he is happy with his wife, no matter that she fucked him over like a pedophile in a preschool? if he is truly happy with her, do i even have the right to try? but if he said that he was happier with me, where do my duties lie? and what about what i want?

how do you make sadness leave?
how do i stop the hurt? how do i get the images of her in his arms and the two of them fucking out of my head? how do i screw on the fake smile if it is broken and i have nothing left? how can i stop picturing the two of them happy with no place for me? how do i find a place for me if she has his heart so tightly clenched? how do you stay friends with someone who has hurt you so much but doesn't know it?

have you ever seen a llama kiss a llama on the llama?

so too much new shit, lots to think about.
probably listening to too much alkaline trio (step one: slit my throat, step two: play in my blood)
so when he talks about making it work with the wife again, i start to get really worried. for a few reasons. there is the logical part of me that says that he should be with his wife, they're married for fuck's sake! but she cheated in him, left him, doesn't love him. and i want to be with him. nothing matters so much when i am with him, he makes me beautiful and happy and safe. i really don't want to give that up. but if he does love her, can i do this in good conscience? circular thinking, getting me nowhere but a headache.
he wants to try it, for his conscience, for her sake, for whatever reason. but who would make him happier? he doesn't know. i wish i did, because then i could make his decision for him. but he doesn't want to try it because he doesn't think it'll work. so now what?
where do we go from here, indeed.
and there's the fact that i'm moving in with him in about 5 weeks. oh boy, that'd be interesting if she was there too. ha. ha.
i don't know what to do about this, how to make his decision easier or make him happier or just fix the whole damn scenario. and that's unusual for me and it's really frustrating.
grrr...

*he whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for sex*

in agreement with angel

i really have to agree with angel on the general distaste of many groups

the morbidly depressed
the desperate automatons
the dependent enablers
the functioning addicts
the frustrated priveledged
the whorish clingers
the unfaithful lovers
the ucnaring gods
the feverish worshipers

those in bad faith.

what does that leave?
a select few whom i hold very dear

*if you're going through hell, keep going.*

new shit

i do so love
lounging on your shedding couch
eyes closed, your hands
rinning through my hair
smoothing the strands straight,
twisting them into cords
and twining them
in and out
through your fingers.
I relish the moments
of smiling eye contact,
I want you
I love you
I'm having fun
and bubbling laughter,
grinning for no reason,
my head on your chest,
eyes locked, hands clasped
a comfortable embrace.

How do you love me?
with my eyes
my hands
my heart.
Why do you love me?
your kindness
your smile
your mouth on mine
When do you love me?
the hours spent
laughing, talking
do we need the words?
Do you love me?
of course.

doing much better

day of lots of fun and happiness and kissing and straight up fucking. what a way to spend a sunday! very happy.
scale of 1 to 10 - right now i'm at 8 or so
good movies, good food, and spending time with my wonderful guy. hemp and cigarettes, i love today.

*smiling* still glad no one reads this, but it's a great place in my head right now.

nights like these just kill me

i hate this, i want to sleep but i can't. too much caffeine, crying too hard. i can't get the whispering voices in the back of my head to shut the hell up. want so badly for this to be genuine. he is using you. i don't want to repeat the past, but i'm terrified every day that it will turn out the same. all you do is hurt people. he doesn't care about you. why would he? SHUT UP!
i don't know right now, too tired to think straight, i can't shut them out and try to just live my life. you pissed him off. it's just a matter of time now. how could you ever compare to a marriage? does he really love me? i hate these insecurities so much! i want validation, i need to hear that i'm not just there, rebound, anything. but i can't ask for it, i wouldn't know how.
talk to you tomorrow? he is pissed off. i don't know how to handle anything right now, but i can't show it. just bottle it up, make it go away. "whatever". ouch.
i know that nothing he says is intended to hurt. i know that i am far too sensitive. i think and hope that he really does care about me as much as i care about him, and that this will all work out for the best. i just can't stop being so damn tired, emotional. it's not his fault, not anyone's fault. i can't tell him, or anyone that things hurt, because i wouldn't know where to begin and none of this joking should bother me. i don't know why it does. i hate being sensitive.
i don't want to see my dad. i just want to be with adam, knowing that for at least that moment everything is okay. fuck.
i need to stop hurting. other people. myself inside my head. i hope no one reads this.
i want to be okay, want to not worry about things that i can't control, things that i shouldn't worry about. i need sleep. maybe that would help. i miss adam already, and we hung up maybe 20 minutes ago. i can't tell if i'm pathetic or just really immersed in emotion.
fuck this, going to sleep.

new life, new stuff, new outlook

very very happy. frightfest was a blast, so many wonderful people and so much fun!!!
new guy, also very happy. he is 22 and happens to have a wife, but still i can't help but feel that this is the happiest i have been in far too long.
so i leave those of you still paying attention with this:
if you want to talk to me, pick my brain, anything, i am still here.
i am here for those that need me and even those that want me.
you should know the fucking number.

please take care of each other, i know that all too few of you take care of yourselves, and we all need someone to hold us, validate us, hug us and make us feel worthwhile.

i love you, all of you.
- me. just me, still me, new me and old me.

*you're wonderful, you know that?
and strong and sweet and kind.
i love the warmth when your arms
wrap around me from behind*