never never land

so this is me: i have moved away from all the drama and gone south for the season, am enrolled in college for *i don't know what yet* something and am making something of myself. i fight down here to keep in shape (organized foam fighting) and i read and study and am pretty de-stressed.
but looking into the faces of the past over vacation, i found myself missing it all. i miss the action and chaos of the who-hates-who game and knowing that as long as i let the drama flow over me, i could laugh to myself and know that i was better. i set the lowest comparison standards that i could find, in kids that had no job, no home, no education, no brain cells left, no future. that wasn't the only reason, but it was nice to seem so damn good in comparison.
but even more than that i miss telling someone to fuck off and having them listen, having that power and being that important. in leaving, i cut the ties to my old convict friends and druggies, the ones that ran away from home and needed a mother. i abandoned all of them and now, more than missing them, i miss the hecticness of their lives that made mine seem so peaceful in comparison, i miss the knowledge that when i spoke they would listen and do as i said. i miss the old crew and all of the trouble it got me into, because now that i'm in the "real world" and making a future for myself, i feel alone and so little.
i miss being the bad-ass of the parking lot, helping people sort out their problems and feeling good about myself. i miss having no responsibilities or expectations, i miss being a hoodlum and a guardian for the little ones.
sometimes, at night, i think to myself that i'm not big enough or strong enough to stand on my own, to be alone in the spotlight doing well and have nowhere to hide.