oh, this old thing?

there she sits,
the loveliest creature
in the room.
those luscious lips
bloody red and swollen
from last night's argument.
her eyes are done up
in the most perfect purple-green
from his fists,
her cheeks a rosy pink
from his open palm.
this beautiful battered angel
whose tear-stained eyes call to me,
save me, help me
take me away.
little does she know
the beauty i find in her,
that heated passionate grace.
i would only do worse.

i love finding things from the way-back machine

the new emo

this is my attempt at trying the darker side of poetry when i'm not actually depressed.

look in the mirror.
who do you see?
is it the smiling face
and rosy cheeks of a sweet innocent?
or am i the fickle
wicked monster who steals and destroys love?
am i the caring woman
that everyone adores?
or the worship-hungry goddess
who demands another sacrifice?
watch me grin with sharp malice
as i tear the emotion and strength of heart
from every idiot who has fallen
as my prey.
and then as i lean over the souless left-overs,
crying with repentance
and screaming with revulsion.
_____________________________________

this little girl crouches on the cold tile
balled up as tight as she can go,
curled around red knuckles
from futile, panicked flailing
as the gash across her cheek
slowly drips blood onto her scraped, knobby knees.
her quick, shallow breaths are her only focus,
keep from being noticed
here in the shadowed corner.
she makes herself as small
as the dust bunnies that keep her company,
eyes scrunched closed
as she tries to ascend beyond the bruises and scrapes
of her tiny, bony figure,
as she whispers in weak voice
a prayer for death to come.
________________________________________

if she keeps them all safe,
locks herself in a cage,
then no one will suffer
or hurt her with rage.
but through the cold bars
she might start to cry,
and exiled and lonely
wish she could die.
through lack of all contact
she prevents pain,
but all by her lonesome
she might go insane.
no one can deal
with complete ilosation,
so she'll find a solution
of her own creation.
she'll scream and she'll cry,
and after that flood,
she'll warm these cold bars
with the heat of her blood.

hmm... still not very good. but it's a start

what's this?

college is an odd experience. i am finding out who i am and who my friends are, and what i can do. staying away from the party life, i prefer to drink with people i trust, and i'd rather avoid date rape. my hand is still in a splint, but i find that being unable to perform simple tasks is a great character-building experience. i can't open bottles very well and i have a hard time carrying things or puttingon a seatbelt. having never been gimped before in my life for more than a few days, 6 weekd in a splint has been interesting. i can type okay, so class work has been possible, and i have found a family down here to take care of me when i let them. trigger is a great guy, i love it when he comes down here and i love how much he loves me. i told him that when i got the splint off, i would wear the ring he got me as a present a while ago instead of the fake diamond i baught for myself, and his only response was that i would probably have another ring entirely to wear. my mother loves him. i don't think my mother has loved anyone except maybe my friend/sister and her beautiful daughter, but my mom hugged him goodbye when they left to go home on monday. i love him, and i look forward to a life down here with my new fiance and my new family. i wish i could say that there were many people i will miss, but it's pretty much just sis and niece. and i know that i will see them at the very least at the wedding.

i may have found happiness, and certainly calm and contentment in a new life with fewer walls.

here's to all of the people who have grown beyond their pasts and made a life for themselves.

what am i?

we have been talking of engagement, and marriage, though a long way off. but now i'm not so sure. i love him, i adore him and i know that he's crazy about me. but looking back on all of the pain that i have cause others and that others have caused me, this seems wrong.
aaron hurt me physically and emotionally. i did nothing to stop it.
ilana was devastated to the point of eating disorder after we broke up. did i do this to her?
cheryl was a bit messed up to begin with, but not a bad person, and i hurt her so many times in so many ways without trying to.
jon was such a good guy before we dated. he had a sense of humor and laughed a lot. he was happy. then we broke up. i'm not sure if it's that he fell so in love with me that our break up did this to him, or if it was something else i did, but either way he had become so closed and damaged that he has now resorted to alcohol. is this my fault?
chalk the "self-mutilation-on-my-account" tally up to three
travis was simply an ass. but he taught me that i can't trust people. he showed me that there's a lie behind every promise and malice in every caress. he made me careful but jaded. tally goes up to four, the emo twat.
tim/tiff could have been cruel to me, angry for my actions, but they forgave me. so i guess there is good in people.
adam was something else. i truly did love him, but in the end that really didn't matter. he also taught me to harden my heart. but at least i didn't hurt him that bad.
dessi showed me even more about lies.

and now adam. the sweet, wonderful guy who has seen above the lies and bullshit and drama into what's really important in life, the one who drove 5 1/2 hours yesterday through a blizzard to see me because he loves me. but what if i can't do this? he says he would rather care for me and lose me than not have me at all, but can i really sacrifice him for my happiness? what if i hurt him and turn him into a bad or permanently traumatized person too? what if i'm not capable of love the way they all mean? what if i really am the monster i think i might be?

me. always me.