cali

the conversation went a little something like this:

- i just quit my job, and i'm thinking about leaving.
- where would you go, and when?
- cali, and now.
- god, i wish i could do that. but i don't have a car, and my father would report his stolen if i left with it.
- i would take you. do you want to go?
- now?
- right now.

i got into the car that night to go home crying because it took everything i had to say no.
my parents are terrified that i'm going to cut and run. hell, i'm terrified that i'm gonna take off at some 3am. so it would appear that I'M OFF TO MISSOURI FOR A WEEK!!! hoorah!
my mother and i are driving south, because it's warmer there, and our tentative destination is scott valley ranch.
i want to pick sharp smelling leaves off of the tree branches from horseback.
i want to see the sunrise over the rock quarry.
i want to flirt with the many attractive wranglers they always have.
and damn it, i want to air-dry my freshly painted toenails out the car window on the highway!!

it's gonna be crazy, folks.

*i have sat on the back of a bus for days and drank red wine with purple lips*
live for the moment, 'cause you'll never have it back

here's to you, momma.

story time, kiddies

for those of you still present and awake, don't feel the need to respond to this. i'm really just venting because sometimes life hurts.

he asked me to come to his house, something i had never thought about before, and even though it was an hour away, i said yes. i only got lost once, and make it there with plenty of time to hang out. i was expecting movie, maybe a walk, catching up on what has happened since october. he was expecting more. that didn't really bother me, especially since most nights up at ihop have been spent discussing bondage, s&m, or just old fashioned tieing up. i was curious, and i trusted him so i figured he would be perfect to show me the ropes.
we talked about what wasn't okay, and everything i mentioned he stayed away from, but apparently there was a whole new world of not-okay that i didn't know about before that. he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me around, made me give him head and shoved it so far down my throat that my diaphragm still hurts from gagging almost a week later. slapped and smacked me, then choked me, threw me around and just generally fucked me so hard with everything but his dick (he doesn't believe in having sex, he has a girlfriend) that i was almost crying from pain most of the way home.
i'm still not sure how i made it home, i don't remember anything but calling my best friend and freaking out a bit.
i could have said stop, no, that hurts, anything. but i didn't. i moaned and gave him every impression that i was enjoying myself because that's what i do. and because i wanted to play the game that way that it is supposed to be played and then analyze later.

analysis:
- my head hurt
- my throat and stomach still hurt
- my pride is in pieces, along with my self-respect
- the bruises are starting to heal, so that's good
- i still feel as though, despite all evidence to the contrary, i have been raped (i just don't really blame him for it)

never doing that again.

poetry

your little affection doll,
the bruised-broken puppet
with the painted on smile of the most
luscious red you've ever seen.
pull my strings
and i'll dance for you,
this way and that
along with your whims,
so that you can watch my heart spill out
through my bleeding chest
and on to your just-cleaned floor.
i'm your yielding body
with no spine
and such wonderfully malleable flesh.
i can take as much as you can give,
soak up all the love and punishment
and hold in everything that you will pour out,
until you're just and broken
and empty as me,
with the black-hole eyes
and naked bindings
of a used and discarded marionette.

goddess of all things temporal,
i can make you forget
your love, your past
as your pour your bleeding heart out
to slake my thirst.
i will watch as you
empty yourself of everything worthwhile
to give me all you have,
taken as my dues for making you
a ten minute god.

lots of new stuff, people met and people lost. still floating along in work and at ihop.
when i say good night to the manager, it's sad because she says "see you tomorrow", and she's right; i'm always there.

i have seen the sunrise and it was pretty
i have seen the sun set and it was beautiful
i have watched the moonrise and it is captivating
i have watched the moon set and it saddens me.