love

so many different kinds of love, so much happiness that is possible from the people that are so close to me. i used to see this as just and opportunity for pain, and i was afraid, but now i see that love helps me, heals me. i love all of you so much for you make my world bright and you keep the voices silent. thank you.

did you know that when you vry, it hurts me most? but did you know that more than sad, it makes my feel honored that you would choose to share your tears with me?
did you know that when you smile, for that moment, everything bad in the world disappears? and did you know that there is nothing i like more than your laugh?

i love you all, and thank you for being you and being there. you are all my heart.

okay

doin' okay. i swear. i'm always okay.
i just have to learn to believe me.

voices

i can still hear them.
you are stupid
go kill yourself
you will never be worth anything
you will always hurt people, you should just isolate yourself
you aren't good enough for them to worry
you are ugly, huge, and no one will ever love you
no one could ever love you, who would stoop that low
if your father couldn't, who the hell would.

i hate these fucking voices!!!

...things.

i have to agree with nny, i can feel the things pressing at my mind sometimes, trying to get in. they have voices...my father, my family, my brother, aaron, jon. a lot of hurt in those voices. screaming at me everything that cuts me. i'm doing okay, i swear. it just feels sometimes as though the walls are straining and i worry that these things will break in and have full run of my mind. i think that would kill me. not that anyone notices. i am fine at school, always. i am the support network and what would we do if the support network failed? so i am okay. i know that i'm typing to a lifeless screen because i know that no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing, now i can say what i feel without worrying anyone.
fuck.

well.

well it would appear that i have some time today, so post i shall.
worried. always worried. but i think that my friends will be okay, it seems they always are.
scarred. scarred of my dad and for my loved ones. angel be careful, i don't think you understand how much you mean to me. i love you. afraid for amanda and that she will carry out her threats. if i were in her position, i don't know how strong i would be able to be.
empty at times, but working on feeling better. my friends help.
i love you guys. i probably won't update unless i have a batch of free time, so if you want to talk (if you exist outside of my little screen) feel free to call. i get so lonely sometimes, i think that maybe it's all just the voices in my head talking to me from behind my eyes.
- hannah

it's been a while, and it still shall be

i am aware that i have not updated in a really fucking long time, or commented or been active on the computer at all. for that i am sorry. things are very well with tweak and about normal with the rest of the people who comprise my day-to-day life.
i have found during the past (insert amount of time since last computer activity), that i prefer to keep my conversations direct and my journals with me to continually review and add to. so i am sorry if this was a convenient way for you to look into my head that you no longer have, but feel free to call me if you want to talk and ask me any questions if you liked the view. so i love you all, and the number to reach me you should damn well fucking know!
good luck in all endeavors, and i hope to talk to you soon.
- hannah
*i feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings*