assholes, and the women that put up with them

"there are things you don't do" what? like fuck your girlfriend who you supposedly finally chose without a doubt and then call your wife to say you want her back?!?!? you hate that i feel used and then you pull this shit. if i was ever anything more than a sex toy, why did you promise me that you were sure, wouldn't fuck with my heart - our hearts - again, and then do e x a c t l y that?
why can't you grow up and realize that not only does the world not revolve around you, but that other people have feelings too?
so you walked in to spy and saw me laying on Dessi. i'm not sure what you think was going on, but I LAY ON MY FRIENDS!!! i am comfortable with Dessi without needing to be fucking him, something that you and i obviously never managed. maybe if you had gotten to know me first as a friend instead of the mess that we flew head-on into, you would know how i act around people that i am friends with, but not screwing.
how is it that he gets to be pissed at me and Dessi when he is the one who not only cheated on me twice, and both times i forgave him, but when he is the one who keeps lieing? "don't lie to me, and don't try to hide anything from me. i know what's going on" this from the guy who cheated on me and had to have the information pulled from him because he wouldn't volunteer it, wouldn't be honest with me until confronted. so, how many other things did you lie to me about that i didn't know to ask?
why do i care about him so much when he obviously doesn't give a fuck about me? he treats me like an object, uses me for sex when he and his wife are having problems, and then gets pissed at me for trying to have a friend to talk to because i can't shake the feeling that he doesn't fucking care. and i'm a fucking idiot for letting it hurt me. something in me broke last night, when he yelled at me, when he pushed me and walked away. i lost something important in that, something i needed. i don't know what the fuck i am doing anymore, don't know where i am or what i mean to anybody.
it kills me to see that i have seriously fucked everything up for Dessi. i can't read him the way that i can most people, i can't see past his eyes. but i can tell a hurt look, one of worry and pain, even from someone as guarded as him. how do i manage to break up a six-year friendship? and how the fuck does Angel of all people manage to make me feel like so much shit for it? first Greg and Darian, then Jon and Joel, now Dessi and Adam. why do i keep letting myself hurt people? methinks things would be a fuck of a lot easier for everyone involved if i just left. but i miss my friends...

*how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else, how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself*