i believe in the sand beneath my toes

new news

2008-01-20T17:39:00.000-08:00

well, it has been an eventful week, starting school, going back home for a late chirstmas celebration, dealing with the hecticness of the house...
mottie is dead. he passed about a week after we got him, from being so sick.
school is gonna be interesting, and busy and crazy. so i won't be around much. and (shame) i got a myspace, so that's also screaming for attention.
wish me luck this semester, with a class load of sciences and long courses, i'm gonna need it.

take care for now, ya'll!

second best xmas present ever

2007-12-31T23:33:00.000-08:00

the best christmas present i have ever gotten was my engagement ring from trigger. sparkly and shiny, it was perfect

but the second best was this year, and i got a HAMSTER!!! he's gray and white and furry and cuddly and soooo cute.
his name is Damat.
from trigger's parents and brothers i got a house and food and bedding and a hamster ball and chewing blocks for him. and trigger got me a cage, complete with wheel and food dish and water bottle, and of course, Damat himself.
second best christmas present ever.

what did y'all get?

dishonest footwear

2007-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

i looked around the quad and general campus the other day, and noticed, even in the middle of winter, a ton of dishonest shoes. what do i mean by dishonest shoes, you may ask?
i mean shoes in which the wearer is obviously uncomfortable. i mean shoes in which the wearer does not really feel like themselves. i mean shoes that lie to the world about who the wearer really is.
there are men who will say that wearing high heels is like lying, because in reality the girl wearing them does not have that posture, does not normally stick chest and ass out like that, and is not that tall. this is not quite what i mean, but it's closer.
for example, i have been known to strap on a pair of stilettos or some hooker boots for a night on the town. this does not mean that there is something wrong with me (in the context of this conversation) or that i lie to the world about who i am. there is nothing wrong with taking a night to have fun and be whoever you want to be.
but the people i see day after day on the quad wearing shoes that pinch or don't support or cause the wearer such pain that they look terminally constipated, seem like they're lying to the world.
my normal footwear is either a pair of combat boots that i'm working on breaking in, or my ankle-high harley biker boots. these boots have lasted me 5 years and are still going strong, with two new zippers and some polish. they are comfortable, i wear them to work for a 10-hour shift and when i go home, i'm not in hell. they show the world very clearly the kind of person i am - a little scuffed around the edges and not by any means fancy, but still tough enough to handle almost anything.
(in summer i wear beach walkers - the closest thing i can find to hiking sandals and still afford)
i can run in all of my normal shoes (or sandals), and often do. i can stand for hours at work or walk to class without having to limp, and i feel comfortable both in myself and around my feet in these honest shoes (or sandals).

so what kind of shoes do you wear?

wee hee hee!

2007-11-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

so at the last event, i got some fantastic pictures taken while my friends and i were doing a fire show. normally i look retarded spinning poi, like i have small fire balls orbiting me and i'm trying to tie myself in knots, but this guy has a special camera where he can hold the shutter open longer and so he got the whole pattern on a few shots, see:

no end of fun, i look so bad-ass!

School of Calm Lake

2007-08-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

trying to be like a duck, letting everything just flow off my back.

I have worked all three days this past weekend, school monday through friday, and work all three days this weekend. shit.
but after that i have a break on sundays, where i will go to the school's quad and play with my friends in our battle games. yay for vacation.

was on the quad last night, saw a guy spinning fire poi. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fire_poi
(i'll try to post some of the pictures of me spinning mine.)
he had the chains connected together, with both flaming heads on one end. it looked pretty cool, he was wrapping the end around his limbs/body to change direction of swinging. i ran over to talk to him and it turned out he was a total freakin' idjit.
who uses gasoline as a fuel?!?!?! (side note - gasoline is worse for you to breathe in, and burns much hotter, is more explosive, is used by mouthbreathers.)

classes not going badly, in two sciences, both of which are fascinating. i'm boring the crap out of trigger with my rambling about what i learned in class.

glad to be not-home any more. my sister sent me a text message the other day - "is there a reason you have decided that i'm not worth talking to anymore? have i done something to upset you so you have decided to ignore me?"
... she hasn't called me in months, i always call her and if i want to get together, i have to drive to see her and my goddaughter, she never comes over to my house, even while her boyfriend has a car and a job for gas money.
meanwhile, instead of calling me, she just texts me, blaming me for not calling her, and does the usual when a friendship gets awkward, pushes me away.
frustrating...

but right, trying to be like that duck.

Home

2007-08-20T09:34:00.001-07:00

okay, short post:

finally back at school with my family and getting some nice peace and quiet. stalker count is up to one, but i don't think he knows where i am. missed first class because of traffic, but this semester looks promising.
very happy to be back.

How are all of you?

quick summer post

2007-06-30T21:15:00.001-07:00

well, haven't got much time but i figured i would stick my head up so ya'all know i'm still alive:

- still at walgreens (had an older woman come in the other day, with a broken card shuffler. she demanded that i take it apart and tell her what was wrong with it. when i told her i couldn't do that because i wasn't a mechanic, the crazy old bitch told me to go find a man so that he could do it. ... freakin' old people... and now part of my job will be training new managers, who make a schload more money than i do, at their job - most of whom would be unable to locate their own asses with both hands and a flashlight.)

- still engaged, same great guy (some good times, a few fights, one of which involved trigger smoking and drinking while i was in northern wisconsin, and caused a huge scene over the phone. we're still playing with fire all the time, with the addition of a fire staff, another set of fire poi, and some fire breathing.
and i still love him, so it's all good)

- still miss my family down south like hell, going to see them the 8th through the 16th, at a huge fighting event.

- still can't wait to shake the dust of this freakin' town from my boots.

hope everyone's summer is going well, kick back and enjoy the weather if it's good by you, and the air conditioning if it's not.

summer news

2007-05-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

so i'm home for the summer, and working my ass off in an attempt to horde money for the future. working ass off really means telling my manager that i'll work 50 hours if she'll give me them. so i'm pulling about 1 close to open shift per week and busting my ass to clean up and organize my new department while still harrassing customers because despite the need to pull stock and clean/face everything, i need to check someone out every 15 minutes.
i remember how much i hate the fucking mouthbreathers in my town.

other than that, spending time with my sis and the baby, who is now walking and starting to talk.

trigger and i are doing well, he's still having a hard time quitting smoking, and we've had one huge fight where i walked the mile and a half home, causing a huge scene and cussing him out, and he has broken his face already, hairline fractured his occipital bone (lower part of eye socket).

but we're well and happy, and i probably won't be writing or commenting or posting much because it's hard to find time. so i'll probably see all ya'all more in the fall.
take care, i'll catch up later.

dreams

2007-05-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

now i'm perfectly used to dreams of horrible things where i wake up shaking or, better yet, not remembering my dreams at all and being very thankful for it. apparently a mischevious demon followed my friends home from a fighting event and decided it liked me.
it makes people say and do odd things in their sleep..

*trigger walks into the room where i am asleep*
*i follow his movement with my head, eyes shut*
*he lays down on the bed*
me - are you going to stop or keep going?
trigger - what?
no response
trigger - what?
no response
trigger - what are you talking about?
me - mostly about pajamas
i don't remember any of this, i believe i was alseep the whole time. i do not usually talk in my sleep. sometimes i wimper or mutter, but i do not talk.

background - in my dreams, if i remember them, i am often attacked by things. monsters, burglars, take your pick, but never anyone i know. i keep knocking them down and they keep getting back up. this dream, in its many forms, has haunted me for years.

yesterday i took a nap after my final because i was tired and didn't sleep much the night before. i dreamed that beat three people unconcious, one with my bare fists, one by grabbing his hair and smashing his face into the floor, then grabbing his face and shaking him but instead of just grabbing, my fingers went through one side of his cheek and out the other so i had a firm grip in his face, and the last one, who had no grab-able hair, by picking him up and hitting him against a set of bleachers until he stopped struggling.
then a kid i know from fighting came after me. i ran into the next room, and when he came through the door i picked him up and beat him to death against the floor. then another person i recognized from fighting, one who has been getting on my nerves recently, came in and i picked him up and beat him against the floor too. at one point i had hooked my legs through a bar on the ceiling and was throwing him at the floor, then catching him when he bounced. i beat him to death too, but the creepy part is that when i was done, i grabbed him by the back of the head and scraped his face against the rough surface of a decorative column until i was only holding the skin on the back of his head, everything else was scraped away.
that's when i woke up, feeling strangely satisfied.

the legend about this demon goes that eventually, if we don't get rid of it, it will make someone kill in their sleep, the only time it can take over.
freakin' creepy, i'm thinking about taking up insomnia.

birthdays!!

2007-04-24T07:48:00.001-07:00

this is the weekend of birthdays like none other:

Trigger is 22 today! holy crap that's old

me and my baby

and baby is 1 year old tomorrow

baby Autumn

Autumn and her mom

and for the hell of it mom again, my sis Amanda

I need a better picture of trigger. but happy birthday everyone, I love you guys

people that hate their cats

2007-04-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

For people that have cats but really don't like them, a new and interesting art form:

cat painting! i kid you not, bring boring old fluffy to an artist and in no time it'll have an exciting and adorable look.

Belly dancer and kitty

Not for the clown-phobic owner

Cat as matching accessory

Another kilt kitty

Trying to be fiercer than a house-pet

My favorite: LEMUR KITTY!!!

This is an actual practice, the paint fades in a few weeks and it has to be re-done. if you can get your hair dyed, i guess you can get furball dyed to match now.

frost fire badge

2007-04-17T09:35:00.000-07:00

for those of you boyscouts, you know what that means. any camping where the temperature drops below freezing is cause for a frost fire merit badge. camping this weekend was very interesting... i have mild frostbite and moderate sunburn. what a combination!
i didn't actually get to fight, seeing as i live in constant fear of messing up my back piece, and i don't want to rip any scabs off, but there were still fun times and things that i'm sure i'll look back on and laugh later.
we left thursday for hidden springs park, and set up our tent in the dark and cold, amidst many other tents. there was a main fire in the center of a circular road, lined with seperate camp sites for each area that attended. enter a great night of tent sex, and the next day we went to the fighting field. i got to sit on the sidelines and watch, because as already mentioned, i'm a puss.
that night, we drank. there were many funny stories told by the camp fire and at least one person melted their boots. but that was where the good times ended. a friend of mine drank to the point of concern for his health, and proceeded to collapse drunk on my legs and pass out, while i was standing. another friend of ours kept a vigil from 10pm until 5am, not sleeping and having to accept any challenges presented (this is a trial that some can choose to go through to achieve a high status in the sport. he has kept his vow of not drinking, also required, for over a year). one visitor challenged him to a battle of wits. this person was drunk, so it didn't last long.
elsewhere in the campground, a kid from our area locked himself in a port-o-john. he broke the base that the seat was on doing whatever the hell it was he did, and then, being unable to figure out how to slide the handle back to open the door, convinced himself someone had locked him in and kicked the door open, breaking both the occupancy sign and the lock. fucker... he later passed out in a ditch and when good sumaritan passersby couldn't get him up to go to his tent, they brought his tent to him and manhandled him into it.
back at our friend's vigil, at about 1 or 2, i went back to my tent to try and sleep. it began to rain. poor thing had to sit out for hours in the pourning rain with only a passed-out drunk for company. and he couldn't drink. the next day, when fighting of everyone from our area in a row and then the ceremony to present him with his title were supposed to occur, everyone went home instead. so he still can't drink.
we spent saturday freezing, giving up and going into the nearest town to walmart to gather cold-weather gear and to thaw, and then all 6 of us huddled in the same tent that night. sunday we packed up and went home. a total of two nights had below-freezing temperatures, and one day was cold and muddy as hell.
looking back, it isn't funny to me yet.

go big or go home

2007-04-11T10:11:00.000-07:00

good news everyone!
this weekend i am going camping at hidden springs park, a forest preserve with space for tents and no showers, with the fighting group i am in. we get together, dress up in reniassance clothing, and beat the hell out of each other with pvc pipe or kitespar, wrapped in foam. the national organization we're under is called belegarth.
the main idea is that 500-600 of us get together and set up tents, then fight. when the sun sets and it gets to freakin' cold to fight (cold foam hurts like a bitch), we dress up and eat a formal feast and then get tanked. there is a big fire in the main area and there is usually fire performances and belly dancing. also epic fights and people being zip-tied in their tents.
the next day, we stumble out of our tents (or cut our way out, if we've been tied) into the cold air, choke down coffee, and go back to the field to fight with a hang-over. we have an identical day, and then the next morning we pack our shit and go home.

i can't wait! we leave thursday night or friday morning.

cold

2007-04-10T07:59:00.000-07:00

i have found that april being "sexual assault awareness month" is a constant source of aggravation for me, as i am very well aware that i was sexually assaulted and i do not wish to be reminded of it every time i see a poster or flyer or table tent in the food centers.
today is the one year anniversary of a terrible event in my life, and i'm really sick of seeing the lines
"if you have been the victim of a sexual assault, call our hotline" - i don't want to call a damn hotline
"talk to a professional" - gee, tell my story to a stranger, how the hell does one start that conversation?
"let us help you heal" - maybe i'm okay with being damaged, maybe i'm afraid that if i start to talk, i'll have to deal with it and i can't do that. maybe i'm afraid to try to breach the walls that hold all of this pain and self-loathing in, because they keep me strong and keep me going.
i think i may have an illness of the soul, i have been unable to get warm for the past few days. even curled up on the couch, covered in blankets, with a friend who is a verifiable space heater, skin sweating, i feel cold.
i'm so sick of this affecting my life, and i don't know how to fix it. i don't want to open these old wounds and try to heal them better, i don't want to think about the things that were done to me. i just want to forget that it happened and hope that i can find the pieces of myself that i lost in carol stream. if i can deal for a year, i'd like to think i can be okay.
why does that sound so hollow, even to me?

2007-04-08T21:26:00.000-07:00

i have dated men and women, young and old, smart and stupid, beautiful and not-so-pretty. and now i'm dating a 21 year old guy who is damn smart in all the ways to balance me, with a very nice face and the most amazing brown eyes.
but more than the eyes or the incredible prowess in bed, are the things that he says, out of the freakin' blue.
sitting in the car, driving me back to my room so that he can drive the two hours home to get to work in the morning, we were talking about shoes. i am 5'10'' normally, 5'11'' on a good day. he is about the same height, having maybe half an inch on me tops. this can be problematic because i own many pairs of heels. this is not to say that i wear them often - given the option i am barefoot and happy - but i do own them for the occaisonal time when i need to impress.
so i asked the question that we all know the answer to - "do you think i look better in heels or flatfoot?". the question came up because neither of us likes me being much taller than him, but we've all been told from day one that in heels we get "ass out tits up" and it looks damn good.
he said he prefered my posture flatfoot. - well obviously, if i'm taller than him.
not standing next to me, but looking from a distance, still prefers flatfoot. - what?
he said it was more like me, and more comfortable. but beyond that, he told me that i am more attractive to him as i am, not as heels could make me.
i love him so much. never before have i been told that i am better as i am, not as i could be made. most agree i'm pretty well put together and i clean up nice, but never that i was better the way i came.
i don't know what to do with myself!
is this a normal sentiment in other people's lives?
girls - have you ever been told this?
guys - have you ever said it? was it true?

finally finally finally done

2007-04-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

after much pain and whining and A&D and hand holding, it is finally done.
and i have pictures:

the left shoulder

the right shoulder

the center

the left bottom

the right bottom

and once again, the thing we've all been waiting for, the piece that will grace the wall of a tattoo studio forever,

the whole freakin' tattoo!!!

tattoo progress

2007-04-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

please don't kill me, i know it's been a damn long time since me saying the tat was almost done. when i went on friday to finish it, there was a rush in the shop from the time i got there until an hour and a half after they closed and i do not want a tired tattoo artist anywhere near me.
but, for all the waiting and lamaze breathing, IT IS DONE!!!!
i can't post the pics until probably tomorrow, but for the love of god, it is finished. and it is lovely.

tangent - i went to the gas station today to get a carton fo smokes as tip for my artist, and spent a while talking to the nice smoke-tanned and skinnied woman behind the counter. i showed her mine and she showed me hers, and we started talking about the shops in town. there are two main tattoo shops in bloomington/normal (by main i mean they don't have to advertize on TV for clients), and alas, my shop is moving. only a few hours south, but that means that the only shop in town now (or very soon) is run by a short creepy guy with too many neck tattoos and an unhealthy interest in body modifcation and scarification.
as i came to that realozation i thought to myself "that's just scary".

smoking

2007-03-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

after having smoked for almost four years of my young life, i have realized that the time has come to quit.
well, the time has almost come. i still need to smoke during the tattooing process or else i panic and the artist can't work because i'm moving too much. we found this out the hard way (i picked a really bad time to quit)
but tattoos aside, come the end of today (we finish the last of the color tonight, but i won't have pictures until later, so you don't get to see it until it's DONE) i will stop smoking. this sucks. my fiance isn't ready to quit just yet, so he will get to smoke while i want to scream at him because i can't, but i think it'll be okay. at least we won't kill each other like we might if we quit at the same time.
wish me luck, for some odd reason i think i might need it.

empty words for empty hearts

2007-03-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

i sat listening yesterday to a friend i really didn't know that well, spill out for me all of his anguish over losing a boyfriend of a year plus. i watched him tell me about the pain of rejection after he gave everything he had, and not being enough, as the tears built up in his eyes. but he refused to cry over it agian.
i listened to his heartache and thought, i've been there. but i said nothing. i nodded and gave my most sympathetic face, but at the time when he needed something most, because i remember needing something from the person i refused to cry in front of, i had nothing to say, nothing to give him.
what do you say to someone whose pain is so raw? how do you tell them everything you wish would make them feel better? when listening just isn't enough, i find mysef completely out of my depth, and remembered that i found no comfort in the empty words my friends had given me.
what do you do in that situation? what can you possibly say that has meaning?

next time i want to be prepared so:
suggestions, anyone? what was the best advice you ever got from a loved one or a wise one in a terrible situation?

the shading

2007-03-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

allright folks, here's what i've got so far:

the left shoulder:

the right shoulder:

the center:

the bottom left:

and the bottom right:

Which, placed together int he correct positions give us a lovely overview of

the whole damn thing

it wasn't bad at all, and i love the way it looks

you gotta love progress

2007-03-21T18:46:00.000-07:00

after many days of healing at home and forgeting how much this shit hurts, i came back to school and back to the shop to keep on working. i have come to both fear and love the sound of a tattoo gun, and the man who i am paying to do this to me.
but after two days and a total of six and a half hours, the shading is finished.
i don't have pictures yet, but i will soon and then you can see how lovely it really is.
six days and then we start the color, and then it's bloody done.

i look like a burn victim with all the gauze on my back right now.

The Outline

2007-03-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, the outline is done!

I go home for spring break and then when i come back healed, we start the shading and coloring.

tattoo pictures!

2007-03-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

this actually isn't all right now, i got four more on the bottom, but i don't have a pic yet.

it itches! oh god it all itches so bad!!!

Here's a new one:

back with the center piece done

I finally got some pictures of my tattoos up:

My back tattoo so far - just the top outline

Hand without blacklight

Hand with blacklight

hand tattoos suck

2007-03-06T07:56:00.000-08:00

i don't have a picture yet, but i should soon.

last night i got a black light tattoo on my hand in the shape of an outline of a rose. black light tattoos only fluoresce in black light, so no one will be able to see it in regular light, hence tattoo on the hand being okay.
fun fact: the first black light tattoo ink came out of california and caused cancer.
the ink used on me is the same kind that my tattoo artist used on both of his hands, does not come from california, and so should not (hopefully) make my hand rot and fall off.

black light tattoos can be done three ways:
1) the artist sets up a black light over the tattoo area and uses that to see the ink. this can be difficult because then the tattoo gun glows and so do the paper towels and the excess ink, and the stencil can be almost impossible to see and so it is distracting and can make things harder, plus it's bad for the eyes.
2) the artist puts the stencil on the skin and then goes over it like he/she would with any other tattoo, hoping that the ink is going in along the lines. (this is not as scary as it sounds considering that the excess ink welling up out of the skin makes it impossible for the artist to see any tattoo they are doing exactly - it's mostly guess work)
3) the artist does a "blood line" first, which is basically doing the tattoo once with something harmless in the gun, like the greensoap they use to clean the tattoo. this makes a wound track which is much easier to see and follow than just the stencil, and cannot wear off like a stencil can.
guess which one we did?
the blood line hurts like hell, and then when it was done we had to do it all over again.

but now i have a lovely rose shaped wound on my hand that glows in black light.
Yay!

tattoos...

2007-03-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

so one night i got the bright idea that i wanted a back piece ... a tattoo that covers my entire back. it will be huge. and bright. and really freakin' painful.
i contacted my tattoo artist and for a little bit more than my what my first car will cost, i can have almost my entire back covered in roses and leaves and vines in the most lovely design that i have ever seen, and it will even match the rose on my shoulder.

so the problem is that i can't reach all of my back to get ointment on the wounds... or wash them... or really care for them at all on my own. thank god for friends.
imagine the awkward conversation of "hey friend, if i throw on a pair of trunks and put a towel over my chest, will you help me scrub my back?" cause that's not wierd.

but non the less, next tuesday the games shall begin, and i will either be so loaded up on pain killers that i can't see, or the biggest bitch in the world that can't sit back in a chair or sleep on her back.
god i love tattoos.

and when i figure out how to work a camera, there will be pictures of the finished piece on this site, so anticipate greatness!

i'm so terrified i'm hyper.

2007-02-23T22:59:00.000-08:00

there was a man who was an alcoholic. he had two sons and he spent his life drinking himself away, and embarasing his family.

one son grew up to be an alcoholic, drinking away his money and shaming his family. his wife left him and his children hated him.

the other son grew up to be a doctor with a steady career, a devoted wife and a loving family.

when the first son was asked "why are you like this? what made you this way?", he said "my dad was an alcoholic, what else could i do?"

when the other son was asked "why are you like this? what make you who you are?" he said
"my father was an alcoholic, what else could i do?"

bullet to the brain pan ... squish

2007-02-20T09:45:00.000-08:00

*name the movie (see title) and get a cookie*

cuddle your hurt like a baby
hold it to your breast
and let it suckle at the teat
of childish emotions
and spiteful thoughts.
nurture your pain as if
to drain yourself,
and let it consume you.
hug it close,
let it harden and shrink
into that tiny rock
of ever-sustaining,
so very brightly
burning anger

and immolate yourself.

freakin' awesome!!!

2007-02-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

Albert Einstein
You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.

Bill Maher:
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

John F. Kennedy
Mankind must put an end to war before war puts an end to mankind.

M. C. Escher:
I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough.

Plato
Only the dead have seen the end of the war.

dear amy... signed, ostracized in Normal

2007-02-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

needing advice, i'm not sure where to go down here. back home i have a few friends that i know i can trust and ask for advice.
i have a few people who are mine down here, but no one that i feel i can go to and that just sucks.

i spend almost every night at a friend's apartment. it is the general hang out for members of our "beat the hell out of each other in mideval clothing" group, also called wolfpack. the guy who i go to see pays rent but isn't on the lease. there are two people who are on the lease, and i get along with one of them really well, he is a sweetheart and we are comfortable with each other. the other guy seems to have a knack for being blunt and cruel. i will make a joke that doesn't involve him and he will respond like i was serious. and i swear if i have to hear the "my house, my rules" speech one more time, i'll scream.
i love going to this apartment, it's where i hang out with friends down here, but i just can't connect with this guy and i don't know if he dislkes me or if that's just how he is, but regardless, i'm worried that i won't be able to just ignore it and i'll snap on him, which i don't want to do. but i'm sick of putting up with him.

why do i feel like i'm writing to "ask amy"?

new direction

2007-02-13T15:35:00.000-08:00

so, not knowing what i could poosibly do for a living, i have decided to head in the direction of a field that needs people, even if i have no idea if i want to do it or not.
Nursing!!!

i find it hard to write without the depression that i had before. but i think this is a good thing. happy but can't write for a damn. oh well, i'll write again if i need to.

never never land

2007-01-17T15:22:00.000-08:00

so this is me: i have moved away from all the drama and gone south for the season, am enrolled in college for *i don't know what yet* something and am making something of myself. i fight down here to keep in shape (organized foam fighting) and i read and study and am pretty de-stressed.
but looking into the faces of the past over vacation, i found myself missing it all. i miss the action and chaos of the who-hates-who game and knowing that as long as i let the drama flow over me, i could laugh to myself and know that i was better. i set the lowest comparison standards that i could find, in kids that had no job, no home, no education, no brain cells left, no future. that wasn't the only reason, but it was nice to seem so damn good in comparison.
but even more than that i miss telling someone to fuck off and having them listen, having that power and being that important. in leaving, i cut the ties to my old convict friends and druggies, the ones that ran away from home and needed a mother. i abandoned all of them and now, more than missing them, i miss the hecticness of their lives that made mine seem so peaceful in comparison, i miss the knowledge that when i spoke they would listen and do as i said. i miss the old crew and all of the trouble it got me into, because now that i'm in the "real world" and making a future for myself, i feel alone and so little.
i miss being the bad-ass of the parking lot, helping people sort out their problems and feeling good about myself. i miss having no responsibilities or expectations, i miss being a hoodlum and a guardian for the little ones.
sometimes, at night, i think to myself that i'm not big enough or strong enough to stand on my own, to be alone in the spotlight doing well and have nowhere to hide.

oh, this old thing?

2006-12-30T21:03:00.000-08:00

there she sits,
the loveliest creature
in the room.
those luscious lips
bloody red and swollen
from last night's argument.
her eyes are done up
in the most perfect purple-green
from his fists,
her cheeks a rosy pink
from his open palm.
this beautiful battered angel
whose tear-stained eyes call to me,
save me, help me
take me away.
little does she know
the beauty i find in her,
that heated passionate grace.
i would only do worse.

i love finding things from the way-back machine

the new emo

2006-12-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

this is my attempt at trying the darker side of poetry when i'm not actually depressed.

look in the mirror.
who do you see?
is it the smiling face
and rosy cheeks of a sweet innocent?
or am i the fickle
wicked monster who steals and destroys love?
am i the caring woman
that everyone adores?
or the worship-hungry goddess
who demands another sacrifice?
watch me grin with sharp malice
as i tear the emotion and strength of heart
from every idiot who has fallen
as my prey.
and then as i lean over the souless left-overs,
crying with repentance
and screaming with revulsion.
_____________________________________

this little girl crouches on the cold tile
balled up as tight as she can go,
curled around red knuckles
from futile, panicked flailing
as the gash across her cheek
slowly drips blood onto her scraped, knobby knees.
her quick, shallow breaths are her only focus,
keep from being noticed
here in the shadowed corner.
she makes herself as small
as the dust bunnies that keep her company,
eyes scrunched closed
as she tries to ascend beyond the bruises and scrapes
of her tiny, bony figure,
as she whispers in weak voice
a prayer for death to come.
________________________________________

if she keeps them all safe,
locks herself in a cage,
then no one will suffer
or hurt her with rage.
but through the cold bars
she might start to cry,
and exiled and lonely
wish she could die.
through lack of all contact
she prevents pain,
but all by her lonesome
she might go insane.
no one can deal
with complete ilosation,
so she'll find a solution
of her own creation.
she'll scream and she'll cry,
and after that flood,
she'll warm these cold bars
with the heat of her blood.

hmm... still not very good. but it's a start

what's this?

2006-12-07T11:20:00.000-08:00

college is an odd experience. i am finding out who i am and who my friends are, and what i can do. staying away from the party life, i prefer to drink with people i trust, and i'd rather avoid date rape. my hand is still in a splint, but i find that being unable to perform simple tasks is a great character-building experience. i can't open bottles very well and i have a hard time carrying things or puttingon a seatbelt. having never been gimped before in my life for more than a few days, 6 weekd in a splint has been interesting. i can type okay, so class work has been possible, and i have found a family down here to take care of me when i let them. trigger is a great guy, i love it when he comes down here and i love how much he loves me. i told him that when i got the splint off, i would wear the ring he got me as a present a while ago instead of the fake diamond i baught for myself, and his only response was that i would probably have another ring entirely to wear. my mother loves him. i don't think my mother has loved anyone except maybe my friend/sister and her beautiful daughter, but my mom hugged him goodbye when they left to go home on monday. i love him, and i look forward to a life down here with my new fiance and my new family. i wish i could say that there were many people i will miss, but it's pretty much just sis and niece. and i know that i will see them at the very least at the wedding.

i may have found happiness, and certainly calm and contentment in a new life with fewer walls.

here's to all of the people who have grown beyond their pasts and made a life for themselves.

what am i?

2006-12-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

we have been talking of engagement, and marriage, though a long way off. but now i'm not so sure. i love him, i adore him and i know that he's crazy about me. but looking back on all of the pain that i have cause others and that others have caused me, this seems wrong.
aaron hurt me physically and emotionally. i did nothing to stop it.
ilana was devastated to the point of eating disorder after we broke up. did i do this to her?
cheryl was a bit messed up to begin with, but not a bad person, and i hurt her so many times in so many ways without trying to.
jon was such a good guy before we dated. he had a sense of humor and laughed a lot. he was happy. then we broke up. i'm not sure if it's that he fell so in love with me that our break up did this to him, or if it was something else i did, but either way he had become so closed and damaged that he has now resorted to alcohol. is this my fault?
chalk the "self-mutilation-on-my-account" tally up to three
travis was simply an ass. but he taught me that i can't trust people. he showed me that there's a lie behind every promise and malice in every caress. he made me careful but jaded. tally goes up to four, the emo twat.
tim/tiff could have been cruel to me, angry for my actions, but they forgave me. so i guess there is good in people.
adam was something else. i truly did love him, but in the end that really didn't matter. he also taught me to harden my heart. but at least i didn't hurt him that bad.
dessi showed me even more about lies.

and now adam. the sweet, wonderful guy who has seen above the lies and bullshit and drama into what's really important in life, the one who drove 5 1/2 hours yesterday through a blizzard to see me because he loves me. but what if i can't do this? he says he would rather care for me and lose me than not have me at all, but can i really sacrifice him for my happiness? what if i hurt him and turn him into a bad or permanently traumatized person too? what if i'm not capable of love the way they all mean? what if i really am the monster i think i might be?

me. always me.

ihop romance

2006-05-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

he and i met months ago at denny's, i upended my drink in his lap. they still serve me in a sippy cup. we started talking at a party. he was drunk when i got there, i caught up quick. we got along, made each other laugh, and could talk for hours without realizing it. we started hanging out a ihop together frequently.

i came back from the bathroom
so he asked me if we were dating.

really, what did you say?

i said i didn't know, i didn't think so. not yet

oh. well, how do we get from where we are to there?

i believe i ask you "will you go out with me" and you say "yes"

ah.

so, i'll ask. will you go out with me?

of course!
we kissed

i am so happy with him. last night, we drove for hours, talking about everything from exes and sex to drug history to likes and dislikes to families and jobs. it's great.

*redefining 10 every day*

the list

2006-05-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

well folks, the list is actually up to sixteen!
(this is mostly for my own records)

mike b.
anna r.
wade c.
ilana g.
jon b.
chris h.
nick k.
travis c.
tim v.
tiffany
adam w.
tony s.
david p.
aaron w.
mike s.
steven p.
adam g.

that's a lot of people!!
hoorah?

us monsters

2006-05-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

i find it interesting that i know of two people like me, who at some point in their relationship honestly no longer give a damn about their significant other. sometimes this leads to break up, other times it just leads to a horribly unsatisfying relationship.
careful thought a while ago made me realize that while i was very happy with quite a few of my exes, i actually loved very few of them. alex was of course my first true love and i will never forget him or get over him.
funny, most of the ones that heard the words "i love you" were being lied to, whether i realized it or not. the only recent one i probably truly loved was adam, and even then not at the time when i said it. if he ever grows up, he'll make some lucky woman an excellent husband. i really do wish the best for him, including a wife that won't cheat on him again and again, stable employment, and the mentality befiting a man of his age.

perhaps the reason i can't love them is because i collect them like stray cats and i feel i have to fix or care for most of them. ever-destined to be the mother.

well, here's to us heartless bastards; us monsters have to stick together.
i love you wade and aj, maybe we'll figure it out one of these days.

cali

2006-04-26T16:49:00.000-07:00

the conversation went a little something like this:

- i just quit my job, and i'm thinking about leaving.
- where would you go, and when?
- cali, and now.
- god, i wish i could do that. but i don't have a car, and my father would report his stolen if i left with it.
- i would take you. do you want to go?
- now?
- right now.

i got into the car that night to go home crying because it took everything i had to say no.
my parents are terrified that i'm going to cut and run. hell, i'm terrified that i'm gonna take off at some 3am. so it would appear that I'M OFF TO MISSOURI FOR A WEEK!!! hoorah!
my mother and i are driving south, because it's warmer there, and our tentative destination is scott valley ranch.
i want to pick sharp smelling leaves off of the tree branches from horseback.
i want to see the sunrise over the rock quarry.
i want to flirt with the many attractive wranglers they always have.
and damn it, i want to air-dry my freshly painted toenails out the car window on the highway!!

it's gonna be crazy, folks.

*i have sat on the back of a bus for days and drank red wine with purple lips*
live for the moment, 'cause you'll never have it back

here's to you, momma.

story time, kiddies

2006-04-16T12:25:00.000-07:00

for those of you still present and awake, don't feel the need to respond to this. i'm really just venting because sometimes life hurts.

he asked me to come to his house, something i had never thought about before, and even though it was an hour away, i said yes. i only got lost once, and make it there with plenty of time to hang out. i was expecting movie, maybe a walk, catching up on what has happened since october. he was expecting more. that didn't really bother me, especially since most nights up at ihop have been spent discussing bondage, s&m, or just old fashioned tieing up. i was curious, and i trusted him so i figured he would be perfect to show me the ropes.
we talked about what wasn't okay, and everything i mentioned he stayed away from, but apparently there was a whole new world of not-okay that i didn't know about before that. he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me around, made me give him head and shoved it so far down my throat that my diaphragm still hurts from gagging almost a week later. slapped and smacked me, then choked me, threw me around and just generally fucked me so hard with everything but his dick (he doesn't believe in having sex, he has a girlfriend) that i was almost crying from pain most of the way home.
i'm still not sure how i made it home, i don't remember anything but calling my best friend and freaking out a bit.
i could have said stop, no, that hurts, anything. but i didn't. i moaned and gave him every impression that i was enjoying myself because that's what i do. and because i wanted to play the game that way that it is supposed to be played and then analyze later.

analysis:
- my head hurt
- my throat and stomach still hurt
- my pride is in pieces, along with my self-respect
- the bruises are starting to heal, so that's good
- i still feel as though, despite all evidence to the contrary, i have been raped (i just don't really blame him for it)

never doing that again.

poetry

2006-04-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

your little affection doll,
the bruised-broken puppet
with the painted on smile of the most
luscious red you've ever seen.
pull my strings
and i'll dance for you,
this way and that
along with your whims,
so that you can watch my heart spill out
through my bleeding chest
and on to your just-cleaned floor.
i'm your yielding body
with no spine
and such wonderfully malleable flesh.
i can take as much as you can give,
soak up all the love and punishment
and hold in everything that you will pour out,
until you're just and broken
and empty as me,
with the black-hole eyes
and naked bindings
of a used and discarded marionette.

goddess of all things temporal,
i can make you forget
your love, your past
as your pour your bleeding heart out
to slake my thirst.
i will watch as you
empty yourself of everything worthwhile
to give me all you have,
taken as my dues for making you
a ten minute god.

lots of new stuff, people met and people lost. still floating along in work and at ihop.
when i say good night to the manager, it's sad because she says "see you tomorrow", and she's right; i'm always there.

i have seen the sunrise and it was pretty
i have seen the sun set and it was beautiful
i have watched the moonrise and it is captivating
i have watched the moon set and it saddens me.

chicago

2006-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

late nights spent
breathing on unison
moving in concert
stroking with all the
desperation
of empassioned lovers
and
early mornings spent
sighing together
chests rising and falling
in unison
shifting in concert
and running our hands
finger be finger
along a back, a chest
a stubbly cheek
with all the comfort
of two people
in love.

2006-02-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

as the days drift by
slowly,
blurring together
i think i'm falling into a sea of apathy.

i have a hard time remembering what day it is these days. my only reminder is my meds, and sometimes my work schedule. graduating really fucked my social and temporal equilibrium. the bastards are making life hard even after i have left!

and i seem to be writing bad poetry. oh crap! i've gone emo!
someone please put me out of my misery!!!
(way too much sugar and sex)

i really do miss the time and inspiration i used to have to write. i'm happy now, being with dessi, but being happy has killed my ability to write well. i'm glad about the current situation, but i wish i could put out the stuff i used to, i think i was really good.
i guess i just have to resolve to set aside time to sit down and write, and hope something good comes out.

me

normal life, happy times

2006-02-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

feeling terrible.
mononucleosis is a virus, commonly known as the kissing virus. it is usually transmitted by saliva. once you get it, it never leaves your system. your symptoms go away, but it stays in your nervous system, and every once in a while you become contagious. there is no way to tell when short of a blood test.
i got mono about a year and a half ago. now dessi has it, badly. i feel bad because it is hell for him. i worry about him, because he is sick and hurting and on pretnazone, a steroid that makes you hell to be around and makes you crazy and sad and horny and want to cry. he is also cutting down on smoking, which makes the whole situation even harder for him to deal with.
i play nurse when i can get down to chicago, making/getting him food and drink and talking with him and keeping him occupied. but the only thing that will make him better is time.
we will get through this, but until we do he can't drink or fuck or fight or smoke and i know it's hard for him.
i don't mind taking care of him; i love him and i'm glad that i can help.
i just wish he wasn't going through this.

at krink's house, have a surprise for dessi the next time i see him... (hehehe)

facets or faces

2006-02-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

we are many things for many different people.
for amanda i am a bad-ass, i would take care of anything
for my parents i am the scholar
for many people i am the mother
for dessi i am, simply me

but what i want to know is, in the early hours of the morning, when everyone is asleep and the moonlight shines in on the mirror, what are you for you?

simply put, i don't know yet...

emotions... interesting

2006-01-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

so, mayhaps the demons of my past have decided to find more willing prey. i don't know, but i'm releived not to have found any more foliage on the front porch.
new guy, one who doesn't need me to be his income supply, or his sex toy (although i'm more than willing, but it's a two-way thing), or his entertainment, or his keeper. he seems to be considering making nice with his old friend. you know, the kind that sucks your will to live? that would be interesting, i don't play well with those who have fucked me over. angel found that out quickly enough. *chuckle*
not the point, on to happier things.

drifting contentedly on the streams
of steady jobs and frequent phone calls.
complacent water but for the few ripples,
smoothed over by the murmurs of affection.
nights spent in happiness, with my everything,
passion like no other,
breathtaking, giving,
loving.
and later, with his arm under my shoulder
and one around my waist,
staring, drifting, floating
in those eyes,
the closeness of skin on skin,
and the feel of his heart beating
against my bare chest.

life is good right now, and that's all i can ask for.

the true, the emotional, and the dark (hehehe)

2006-01-20T20:40:00.000-08:00

(for dessi)

those chocolate brown eyes
like glass-paned windows
streaked with misery
looking down into the
tortured soul
of a soldier angel.
that wry grin,
the most painful mask
for a bleeding heart
but sometimes i see a real smile
shining through
just for me.
that muscled body,
back and shoulders
flexing in time
to a lover's rythym
softly, tenderly
wild and passionate.
my prince, my king
my god of love,
my everything.

(for everyone who never wanted me as i am)

please let me be your
everything
your anything,
whatever you
want
need
wish
like
lust
for me to be.
please let me be
your doormat
your goddess
your punching bag
your whore
your entertainment.
please give me
a task
a role to play for you
define me so that i may be
the me that you love.

there is nothing left
of me,
only overlaid
shadows,
faded prints
of the portraits
you have painted
in my place;
as your desire.

- me, still me, ALWAYS me.

assholes, and the women that put up with them

2005-12-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

"there are things you don't do" what? like fuck your girlfriend who you supposedly finally chose without a doubt and then call your wife to say you want her back?!?!? you hate that i feel used and then you pull this shit. if i was ever anything more than a sex toy, why did you promise me that you were sure, wouldn't fuck with my heart - our hearts - again, and then do e x a c t l y that?
why can't you grow up and realize that not only does the world not revolve around you, but that other people have feelings too?
so you walked in to spy and saw me laying on Dessi. i'm not sure what you think was going on, but I LAY ON MY FRIENDS!!! i am comfortable with Dessi without needing to be fucking him, something that you and i obviously never managed. maybe if you had gotten to know me first as a friend instead of the mess that we flew head-on into, you would know how i act around people that i am friends with, but not screwing.
how is it that he gets to be pissed at me and Dessi when he is the one who not only cheated on me twice, and both times i forgave him, but when he is the one who keeps lieing? "don't lie to me, and don't try to hide anything from me. i know what's going on" this from the guy who cheated on me and had to have the information pulled from him because he wouldn't volunteer it, wouldn't be honest with me until confronted. so, how many other things did you lie to me about that i didn't know to ask?
why do i care about him so much when he obviously doesn't give a fuck about me? he treats me like an object, uses me for sex when he and his wife are having problems, and then gets pissed at me for trying to have a friend to talk to because i can't shake the feeling that he doesn't fucking care. and i'm a fucking idiot for letting it hurt me. something in me broke last night, when he yelled at me, when he pushed me and walked away. i lost something important in that, something i needed. i don't know what the fuck i am doing anymore, don't know where i am or what i mean to anybody.
it kills me to see that i have seriously fucked everything up for Dessi. i can't read him the way that i can most people, i can't see past his eyes. but i can tell a hurt look, one of worry and pain, even from someone as guarded as him. how do i manage to break up a six-year friendship? and how the fuck does Angel of all people manage to make me feel like so much shit for it? first Greg and Darian, then Jon and Joel, now Dessi and Adam. why do i keep letting myself hurt people? methinks things would be a fuck of a lot easier for everyone involved if i just left. but i miss my friends...

*how to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else, how to keep smiling when you're thinking of killing yourself*

emo poetry

2005-11-30T19:24:00.000-08:00

she's sitting here,
all alone in the dark
listening to the death throws
of her breaking heart.
one tear, two,
a torrent, a flood
drop to the ground
still glistening with blood.
he took her crushed heart,
his hands are stained with it,
she cried herself dry
if she can't fix it, she'll drain it
she lost it all,
cut her wrists on her dreams
as her hopes crumble down
she tilts her head back and screams.

riddle me this...

2005-11-28T16:54:00.000-08:00

how do you make love stay?
how do you keep the ones you love? how can i possibly captivate the man of my dreams if he is happy with his wife, no matter that she fucked him over like a pedophile in a preschool? if he is truly happy with her, do i even have the right to try? but if he said that he was happier with me, where do my duties lie? and what about what i want?

how do you make sadness leave?
how do i stop the hurt? how do i get the images of her in his arms and the two of them fucking out of my head? how do i screw on the fake smile if it is broken and i have nothing left? how can i stop picturing the two of them happy with no place for me? how do i find a place for me if she has his heart so tightly clenched? how do you stay friends with someone who has hurt you so much but doesn't know it?

have you ever seen a llama kiss a llama on the llama?

2005-11-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

so too much new shit, lots to think about.
probably listening to too much alkaline trio (step one: slit my throat, step two: play in my blood)
so when he talks about making it work with the wife again, i start to get really worried. for a few reasons. there is the logical part of me that says that he should be with his wife, they're married for fuck's sake! but she cheated in him, left him, doesn't love him. and i want to be with him. nothing matters so much when i am with him, he makes me beautiful and happy and safe. i really don't want to give that up. but if he does love her, can i do this in good conscience? circular thinking, getting me nowhere but a headache.
he wants to try it, for his conscience, for her sake, for whatever reason. but who would make him happier? he doesn't know. i wish i did, because then i could make his decision for him. but he doesn't want to try it because he doesn't think it'll work. so now what?
where do we go from here, indeed.
and there's the fact that i'm moving in with him in about 5 weeks. oh boy, that'd be interesting if she was there too. ha. ha.
i don't know what to do about this, how to make his decision easier or make him happier or just fix the whole damn scenario. and that's unusual for me and it's really frustrating.
grrr...

*he whispers that he loves her but she's probably only looking for sex*

in agreement with angel

2005-11-20T19:40:00.001-08:00

i really have to agree with angel on the general distaste of many groups

the morbidly depressed
the desperate automatons
the dependent enablers
the functioning addicts
the frustrated priveledged
the whorish clingers
the unfaithful lovers
the ucnaring gods
the feverish worshipers

those in bad faith.

what does that leave?
a select few whom i hold very dear

*if you're going through hell, keep going.*

new shit

2005-11-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

i do so love
lounging on your shedding couch
eyes closed, your hands
rinning through my hair
smoothing the strands straight,
twisting them into cords
and twining them
in and out
through your fingers.
I relish the moments
of smiling eye contact,
I want you
I love you
I'm having fun
and bubbling laughter,
grinning for no reason,
my head on your chest,
eyes locked, hands clasped
a comfortable embrace.

How do you love me?
with my eyes
my hands
my heart.
Why do you love me?
your kindness
your smile
your mouth on mine
When do you love me?
the hours spent
laughing, talking
do we need the words?
Do you love me?
of course.

doing much better

2005-11-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

day of lots of fun and happiness and kissing and straight up fucking. what a way to spend a sunday! very happy.
scale of 1 to 10 - right now i'm at 8 or so
good movies, good food, and spending time with my wonderful guy. hemp and cigarettes, i love today.

*smiling* still glad no one reads this, but it's a great place in my head right now.

nights like these just kill me

2005-11-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

i hate this, i want to sleep but i can't. too much caffeine, crying too hard. i can't get the whispering voices in the back of my head to shut the hell up. want so badly for this to be genuine. he is using you. i don't want to repeat the past, but i'm terrified every day that it will turn out the same. all you do is hurt people. he doesn't care about you. why would he? SHUT UP!
i don't know right now, too tired to think straight, i can't shut them out and try to just live my life. you pissed him off. it's just a matter of time now. how could you ever compare to a marriage? does he really love me? i hate these insecurities so much! i want validation, i need to hear that i'm not just there, rebound, anything. but i can't ask for it, i wouldn't know how.
talk to you tomorrow? he is pissed off. i don't know how to handle anything right now, but i can't show it. just bottle it up, make it go away. "whatever". ouch.
i know that nothing he says is intended to hurt. i know that i am far too sensitive. i think and hope that he really does care about me as much as i care about him, and that this will all work out for the best. i just can't stop being so damn tired, emotional. it's not his fault, not anyone's fault. i can't tell him, or anyone that things hurt, because i wouldn't know where to begin and none of this joking should bother me. i don't know why it does. i hate being sensitive.
i don't want to see my dad. i just want to be with adam, knowing that for at least that moment everything is okay. fuck.
i need to stop hurting. other people. myself inside my head. i hope no one reads this.
i want to be okay, want to not worry about things that i can't control, things that i shouldn't worry about. i need sleep. maybe that would help. i miss adam already, and we hung up maybe 20 minutes ago. i can't tell if i'm pathetic or just really immersed in emotion.
fuck this, going to sleep.

new life, new stuff, new outlook

2005-11-08T16:46:00.000-08:00

very very happy. frightfest was a blast, so many wonderful people and so much fun!!!
new guy, also very happy. he is 22 and happens to have a wife, but still i can't help but feel that this is the happiest i have been in far too long.
so i leave those of you still paying attention with this:
if you want to talk to me, pick my brain, anything, i am still here.
i am here for those that need me and even those that want me.
you should know the fucking number.

please take care of each other, i know that all too few of you take care of yourselves, and we all need someone to hold us, validate us, hug us and make us feel worthwhile.

i love you, all of you.
- me. just me, still me, new me and old me.

*you're wonderful, you know that?
and strong and sweet and kind.
i love the warmth when your arms
wrap around me from behind*

confused...rat bastards!

2005-07-22T11:34:00.000-07:00

jesus bloody mother-fucking christ tapdancing through a cornfield!
travis and i have broken up. which is rather confusing because we are still fucking like rabbits and he still tells me that he loves me. it's kinda like best of friends/fuck buddies/god i wish i were still dating him. the biggest change is that i am no longer special to him. he says i still belong in his arms, but now i know i'm not the only one. it's not just my spot. and of course i have considerably less justification in getting pissed at all the backstabbing bitches that tell me they are here to support me and then do everything they can to get in his pants. fuckers.
so i'm confused, because i want this to be okay, but i'm afraid it won't be. it's wierd, he is still here and still close, but he's not mine anymore and that hurts so damn much.
and of course the irish catholic in me is beating the hell out of myself wanting to know what i did wrong, and i really don't know.
so there goes a lot of the self esteem that i had worked up since...everyone. jon. arron. tom. all of them.

i do believe my heart is broken.
so why is it still squirming and why won't it just stop thrashing aroud pitifully?
JUST DIE DAMN YOU!!! STOP RELAYING THE HURT!
ouch

rat bastards

anger, pain, fear

2005-05-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

so much of it all, and i think i am starting to be consumed. she had it all coming, one does not fuck so blatantly with other people's s os. especially not mine because i feel that that should be sacred. and then this new betreyal, from someone closer, who should have known better. it hurts, it worries me, and it makes me so angry that she accuses me of disgrace and asks for loyalty of family when she does what she does, even after being asked not to. i'm not sure why this makes me so angry, maybe part of it is fear. i am so afraid to lose him, i think it would kill me. and i know that the majority of the population is attracted to her, my father even was.
perhaps not the best example, but certainly one of the most disturbing.
so this hurts. it hurts me that she would be so hypocritical, it hurts that too many of my nearest and dearest don't like this situation, it hurts that it affects me so much, and that i seem to have really regained the anger problem that i thought i had figured out.
i know that it will work out or it won't, but it still hurts. and it scares me. and it makes me really damn angry.
me, little bitty scared, big bad-ass me

love

2005-04-25T14:49:00.000-07:00

so many different kinds of love, so much happiness that is possible from the people that are so close to me. i used to see this as just and opportunity for pain, and i was afraid, but now i see that love helps me, heals me. i love all of you so much for you make my world bright and you keep the voices silent. thank you.

did you know that when you vry, it hurts me most? but did you know that more than sad, it makes my feel honored that you would choose to share your tears with me?
did you know that when you smile, for that moment, everything bad in the world disappears? and did you know that there is nothing i like more than your laugh?

i love you all, and thank you for being you and being there. you are all my heart.

okay

2005-04-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

doin' okay. i swear. i'm always okay.
i just have to learn to believe me.

voices

2005-04-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

i can still hear them.
you are stupid
go kill yourself
you will never be worth anything
you will always hurt people, you should just isolate yourself
you aren't good enough for them to worry
you are ugly, huge, and no one will ever love you
no one could ever love you, who would stoop that low
if your father couldn't, who the hell would.

i hate these fucking voices!!!

...things.

2005-04-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

i have to agree with nny, i can feel the things pressing at my mind sometimes, trying to get in. they have voices...my father, my family, my brother, aaron, jon. a lot of hurt in those voices. screaming at me everything that cuts me. i'm doing okay, i swear. it just feels sometimes as though the walls are straining and i worry that these things will break in and have full run of my mind. i think that would kill me. not that anyone notices. i am fine at school, always. i am the support network and what would we do if the support network failed? so i am okay. i know that i'm typing to a lifeless screen because i know that no one reads this anymore. maybe that's a good thing, now i can say what i feel without worrying anyone.
fuck.

well.

2005-04-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

well it would appear that i have some time today, so post i shall.
worried. always worried. but i think that my friends will be okay, it seems they always are.
scarred. scarred of my dad and for my loved ones. angel be careful, i don't think you understand how much you mean to me. i love you. afraid for amanda and that she will carry out her threats. if i were in her position, i don't know how strong i would be able to be.
empty at times, but working on feeling better. my friends help.
i love you guys. i probably won't update unless i have a batch of free time, so if you want to talk (if you exist outside of my little screen) feel free to call. i get so lonely sometimes, i think that maybe it's all just the voices in my head talking to me from behind my eyes.
- hannah

it's been a while, and it still shall be

2005-04-02T14:11:00.000-08:00

i am aware that i have not updated in a really fucking long time, or commented or been active on the computer at all. for that i am sorry. things are very well with tweak and about normal with the rest of the people who comprise my day-to-day life.
i have found during the past (insert amount of time since last computer activity), that i prefer to keep my conversations direct and my journals with me to continually review and add to. so i am sorry if this was a convenient way for you to look into my head that you no longer have, but feel free to call me if you want to talk and ask me any questions if you liked the view. so i love you all, and the number to reach me you should damn well fucking know!
good luck in all endeavors, and i hope to talk to you soon.
- hannah
*i feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings*

funny story, that...

2005-03-17T17:06:00.000-08:00

well, i guess my fears were rather unfounded. or not, but not quite what i had anticipated. so dating tweak, i guess we'll see how that goes. he reminds me so much of tom, but then jon reminded me of aaron and he never hit me, so maybe my instincts just suck. but i am doing much better. i am happy. (except for the-rapy) apparently i'm not allowed to just be fucking happy around my father, i am always doing something wrong or around the wrong people. like it would be any better with his friends. *cough, andrew!, cough*
but no matter, i don't have to see him until next week. and i am happy because i have angel. my wonderful angel who makes me smile, makes me cry, makes me so happy that it's all okay now. (i'm not on drugs, i swear! i'm just hyper. hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper) yay!!
but life really is getting to be okay, and for the parts of it that aren't, FUCK THEM!!!
i am going to fucking be happy.

worries

2005-03-14T12:54:00.000-08:00

well, jon won't talk. so i guess there's nothing i can do to help any of us.

life is getting interesting, and i don't know who's gonna get hurt next.
i don't know what scares me more, that he cares about her so much, the thought of what he will do when he finds out, or that she is so excited about something that i have so many fears about, and she is throwing herself into it so quickly, so happily.

just kinda worried.

grr

wow

2005-03-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

wow. hurt. scared. worried. but most of all hurt.
hiding. i'll be going into myself for a while, just a heads-up.
i will talk to you all later. right now i think i may have to do a full-system shut-down.

-

desperate

2005-03-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

okay, hopefully this will be the last post regarding my emo worries about the relationship that ended one of the best friendships that i have ever had. angel has been put as the middle in this war between jon and me, and it is so unfair. i care about angel more that i can ever put down in print, and i didn’t want it to be this way, i didn’t want her to go through this with both of us and deal with all of each of our pain. i know that jon cares about her and that he would never do this to her on purpose. this just happened and no one likes it. angel wants us to sit down and talk. i want to sit down with jon, even if it’s for him to say whatever he wants to say. or to get back something of that friendship that i miss so much. but at least to call some kind of a truce. so angel, the answer to your request, in case you missed the comment posted previously, is that i would like to if it would help end all of this shit. please.

scared

2005-03-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

i am scared, for the first time in a long time. i am scared that i did something horrible that i don't know about or don't remember and that jon will bring it up to talk about. i am scared that he has a reason to hate me like he seems to. i am scared that he has changed so much from the person that i knew that he doesn't have a reason for being this mad. because i don't want to think about what that would mean. i am scared about being wrong and even more scared about being right.

how do you stab the devil in the back? what if you miss?

2005-03-08T15:05:00.000-08:00

getting better. i know that i was stupid, but i'm getting better. i hurt myself, i let other people hurt me, but i am getting b e t t e r. and i will be okay. angel helps, kostya helps, cheryl helps, erin helps. chris helps just a little bit, and knowing that i have people who care does help so much. thank you all. i love you.
i am keeping busy, i find that that helps too. i worry about the things i could have done, should have done, what i could do to make everything better. for jon. for my dad. for my mother. for all of my friends. but even the guilt passes after a while and succumbs to the voice of logic.
i think i might be addicted to cigs. i hope not, and i'm going this week without one to see how it works. we'll see...

i love you all, with all of my heart,
i dream for you, with all of my soul,
i hope for you with all of my dreams,
i pray for you with all that i am.

me, and that's okay. i swear...

truth and stupidity

2005-03-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

truth is an elusive thing, it morphs and dances away from groping fingers, but there are statements that i know to be true.
- i have a propensity for doing stupid things
- i still wish jon was my friend, he was one of the best friends i ever had
- i would never do anything to intentionally hurt him.

on wednesday, i tried to figure out what i had done to make jon so furious. so i wrote down everything that i remember from when things started to change until roughly now. there are probably things that i have forgotten, but what i did remember upset me quite enough to have an effect. wandering thoughts lead to bad memories, and bad memories to stupid actions. but the thing that i did realize is that unless there is something huge that i missed, i didn't do anything wrong to him. i never cheated, and i did nothing intending to hurt him. so i don't know what to do, because i don't know what i'm supposed to fix.
admittedly, i was really freakin' stupid, and i have been doing some stupid stuff for a while, but i am stopping that, and it was my own deal, not jon's.

so that's all i've got, where do we go from here?

me.

meh-ness

2005-03-04T14:31:00.000-08:00

i don't know, it's all such a big...meh.
some people are angry. some people are sad. some don't know what the hell they are. but i'm okay, i swear. things with family are ugly, but that's nothing new. *how can you take back something like that?* it might get better, and that's what i'm hoping for.
things with friends are better just because i'm realizing who are the friends. it's refreshing. and i'm still really looking forward to frightfest!
i can't wait for monday, angel and i are getting together and we're watching the usual suspects. it's gonna be a movie weekend with cheryl tomorrow and angel on monday, sweetness!
going out to bumpers tonight, same as last night and tomorrow night. fun moshing and grinding.
so despite current events and issues, i think that it all might just work out.
(and of course there is chris, who always helps. ^_^)
so good luck, and don't worry about me, i'll make my own "okay".

still me

butter

2005-03-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

i much appreciate all of the support, and butter is damn good too. i'm happy because i think that ana and i will be friends again, we talked at lunch. i missed her, but i know that me and amanda not being cool hurts her. meh, it'll work or it won't.
excited for thurs/fri/saturday, i get to go to bumpers and dress up and mosh and have fun. angel, call me if you want a ride any day!!! (i may need help remembering where you live, but i will find it!)
things seem better, the distractions helped and now i'm focused enough to try and face at least some of this crazy shtuff. jon is sitting with us again, so maybe that will work out. and stevie and i talked and he's being really cool about the whole me being a bit of a slut thing. i needed it and it worked well.
i miss all of my friends, and i'm going to go back to participating in the world.

*you don't know me, so don't judge me* <- Niko let me listen this morning. (still singing it)

me, nothing more but at least no less.

friend sex...

2005-02-27T11:42:00.000-08:00

so now it would seem that i live looking for the distractions. and i love friend sex soo much!. i still can't find chris (for his sake he'd better be dead...) but the shows are awesome anyway. i got into something like a bight-fight but it had scratching too, you should see the marks on my back and how sore my neck is! i'm really glad that i'll be working frightfest, the people there are a lot better, i don't have to be someone i don't want to be, just me. and it seems that i can be whoever i need to be, which would be a first. i can't wait.
i wish everyone weren't so upset, be it sad or angry or betrayed or just damn lonely. and i know that a lot of it is because of me. but the thing that i'm starting to realise is that i probably can't fix it and i don't think i could have done anything different to make it not happen, it would have anyway. i guess life's funny like that.

*she says don't worry, you'll be fine, it's only a matter of time*

friends...people...

2005-02-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

i'm losing people. it's not necessarily a bad thing, because with a few exceptions these people were worse for me as friends. more specifically, i'm losing anna and amanda. amanda drained me so much. after telling her this morning that i don't really trust her and knowing that i don't consider her a friend, i felt soooooo much better. i was hyper and happy all day. and i miss being hyper and happy, i haven't felt it in such a long time. i will miss anna, but perhaps we are better off without each other, we each hurt the other so much without wanting to. i miss jon, and i hope that i can be friends with him again someday soon. he was a valuable friend and a good person. i miss talking to him. and i'm sad that i have made him, and consequently almost everyone else, miserable. but i am happy to be shedding the excess and heavy baggage. i am happy that i don't have to worry about whether or not jon loves me, i am spending more time with angel and she brightens my world, and i have energy and emotional stability left for me! this is quite a change, and one for the better.

bumpers love

2005-02-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

i went to bumpers on saturday and i met a goy. his name is chris and he's an ex-marine. it's crazy how well we've gotten to know each other in a very short time. but for now i am tired of worrying if someone will break my heart. we relate to each other the same way, and that helps a lot, and if he screws me over, so be it. i'm just going to be happy for right now. so things are looking up, because he has a better imagination than me and we do some pretty interesting stuff together.

grrr

2005-02-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

most excruciatingly angry and frustrated and most of all hurt. the thing was originally something i said when amanda asked me if i was going to go out with steve. i was hyper and replied "yeah, i'll probably go out with stevie for a month or so, then maybe fuck jason, and then go out with jon again." i didn't mean it and i wouldn't do something like that.
i talked to jon a tried to explain it, but i was amazed to find that anna and amanda told him that i had said that seriously. i don't know what they are doing, but i'm surprised and very hurt by it. i thought that they were my friends, and doing this hurt jon as well as me. (very not cool)
it would seem that everyone now thinks that i'm a slut. but i wouldn't do that, i have the only key to my pants and it's not for rent.
so now i don't want to talk to them, for fear of having another joke turned into something to hurt everyone. but on the bright side jon and i talked and it would seem that things are gonna get better.
grrr...freakin' people!

*post not meant to lash out at you, i'm just really grr about this whole thing.

what a fuckin' day

2005-02-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

i'm not really planning on keeping this up, i mostly made it to be able to communicate with a close friend who is smart enough to stay the hell away from xanga. but it's just been a shitty day. i'm so tired, i feel almost dead. i wonder if beind dead would b easier. i wouldn't have to deal with:
- jon maybe hating me maybe not caring
- my father thinking i'm a slut/liar/pain in the ass/ his drinking buddy/i want to hear about his love life
- stevie caring about me and me not knowing what the hell to do
- writing my fucking junior research paper
- what college i'm going to
- the problems of all of my friends that really don't have problems

- losing my mind

i kinda wish i were dead. would i be as tired? would it hurt as much?

me
*a song for the broken hearted, a silent prayer for faith departed*